…a brief glance…

it’s tuesday night, or more accurately it is wednesday morning at 1:12am and we’re due to get up in a couple of hours to head over to manila, just as we did early this/yesterday morning. ahhh, the life!

we’re currently living in sta cruz with our cousins and aunt. it’s been a crazy few days, especially today and tomorrow i am forecasting but it’s been good. we arrived late saturday night and surprisingly the qantas flight to manila was a lot more uncomfortable than the PAL flights, but the points i earn from this trip more than enough to cover my flight to melbourne in june. hoorah for frequent flyer points!

kuya jayvee, ate koi, dae, ej and kuya chad came to pick us up from the airport where we proceeded to shakeys, as we did when we were with my mom when we went home last, the start of the sporadic bittersweet moments. we arrived late that night and it was no surprise that we pretty much crashed till mid morning the next day.

sunday, mother’s day was pretty much the day we wanted to write off and just sleep it away, but it was pretty low key for which we were grateful. after brunch we headed off to taytay falls in majayjay. where we went for a mild hike to the waterfalls where we went for a swim. let’s say that the water was refreshing! as in brrrrr! a little more than cold. but it was nice, as it is excruciatingly humid here. not hot water is not an issue at all as the cold water is coming out warm anyway. it was a great day with the kids, ej and dae who are extremely affectionate and inhibited. they’re very sweet and malambing,  always within easy reach of a hug. that or they just climb on your lap and chatter away, quietly and shyly at first but not for long.

monday was election day so we stayed home and our other cousins fromsan pablo came to visit. i got to meet my brand new niece patricia annette, nicknamed…. joan! go figure. she’s tiny but extremely adorable. it was great to see ate meanne again, and she looked so well for someone who gave birth only a couple of weeks ago. from the moment i walked into the roomate meanne had passed lil’ joan to me, and we got to bond. i was well touched that she trusted me to hold her when she was so little… then again so did kaye with xander when he was only days old. ate meh chuckled when i told her than lil xac and lil’ joan were born only days apart.  lil’ joan slept in my arms pretty much all day, tito art and i alternated. she’s so cute, she snuggled loads and she was just very sweet. got to catch up with my cousins and ate meh. kuya peejay was trying to enlist me to babysit lil’ joan whilst he and ate meanne do something together…let’s just say there was no hesitation in letting me change her nappy. hehe!

mela stayed on sunday night so it was nice to spend time with her. it was also good to see art and ems. art and i have already started making plans for a night out, well more him planning and me co-ordinating a free night.

today we woke at 4am to be on the road by 5am to manila to beat the peak hour traffic.  we were at the condo by 6:30am. the moment i stepped out of the car my stomach churned and i tried hard to fight back the tears. i knew it was going to be hard and it was. i found myself wandering along aimlessly in the actual apartment as though i was seeking my mother’s essence from the room, as though it remained from when she was there last.

seeing tita rory was always going to be difficult, especially since she was so close to my mom. when she saw us through the door, you could almost see the deep breath she took trying to hold the tears in. she succeeded for awhile, but not for long. i on the other hand, chose the time to cry whilst we were at lunch… nice one! but it couldn’t be helped, i was surprised i had held out that long. there was a long silence at the table as i cried, as we all did. today is the first day we’ve actually addressed that she’s gone. for days it has almost been that elephant in the room. it’s something we all know, but everyone tried hard not to pick the scab so we spoke and walked around it. which worked, for awhile!

we had dinner with the oconer’s tonight, and it was good to see everyone, sol especially who wasn’t there last year as she was in the states.

tomorrow, or shall we say in a couple of hours we’re headed to manila to handle my mom’s insurance benefits and meet up with our other cousins in the evening. at some point maybe sleep… in the car!

anyways, i better go as it’s almost 3am and my brains all mushy! hope all is well with everyone. take care!

well it’s that time we knew would come and we never really wanted it to come around, because it would make things even more real than it already it… we’re on our way to the phils to sort out my mom’s estate there. just another tick to the countless of boxes that needs to be addressed, getting to the end of the list makes it somewhat bittersweet. finally everything will be sorted, but at the same time it gives a finality i know we are all far from being ready to accept.

this whole week has been a little rougher than the usual. with the anniversary and with tito gading’s funeral.

we attended his viewing on wednesday night and that was an experience my sister and i were so not looking forward to and in all honesty dreaded like a plague. but we went. we had to. it was the right thing to do, and we wanted to be there for kuya noel, who before he got married was such a huge part of our family. to say it was like a bad de ja vue would be an understatement. my mom’s viewing and tito gading’s viewing and the events surrounding it began to blend into one another from the moment go. my ate and i stood at the back holding back tears (which she succeeded far better than i did) and fighting back the gut wrenching feeling that has become somewhat familiar. there were people there who obviously knew who we were and the events that had surounded our recent life. the sad glances and sympathetic knowing looks brought a feeling of wanting to crawl out of one’s skin.

i get a feeling that this trip is going to be reliving the worst moments of our lives all over again. mourning all over again. i know that my sister and i are not looking forward to it at all. we’re scared of popping off the cap that we believe we’re closed, because at the other side of that is a whole lot of emotions we both know we haven’t dealt with. we have all been trying so hard to keep each other afloat, the very best that we can, and i certainly feel that it is not going to take very much for us to break. those who know us well, and who have traveled this road with us are aware of this, we can see it in their eyes, the constant worried glances that they try so hard not to show, for the words unspoken, and the words that are carefully formed.

sunday is mother’s day, by some blessing we are not here in sydney, where we would inevitably feel the void. though we would feel the void regardless geography, not being in sydney and in her house, we can almost pretend that the day does not exist. how do you celebrate a day that no longer exists for you? how do you co-exist with those who still can when watching tears at your soul?

yesterday as i stood over my mother’s grave, it was like all the other times before…no words could be formed, no thoughts could be completed, just tears. what can i say, i am my mother’s daughter and crying at a drop of the hat comes way too easily.

the last few months, have been hard, but if i were to choose a word to describe it that word i would use would be EXHAUSTING. we are all running on broken sleep if any sleep at all, haunted thoughts, and a sense of emptiness.

i am grateful that we are surounded by our cousins who without fail check in regularly, not so much for conversation but the comfort that they are on the other side of the phone, just wanting to hear your voice. they’ve certainly become our pillars and reassuring support.

to both my aunts, happy mother’s day. occasions this year is touch, it’s the first without her. on behalf of my siblings and i, we thank you for your undeniable presence in my life. who from the moment go you immediately adopted us as your own, regardless how old we are and more than you already have in all the years we’ve grown up. i know you have always looked at us as your own, just as my mom had with your own kids, it’s that amazing bond i guess that comes with sisters/siblings…but we totally feel how true that is now if we had any doubts before.

tita pat, i have no words. you have totally taken over taking care of us, and i cannot express how much i appreciate all that you do for us, for your unfailing love and support. for trying so hard to make her absence not so noticeable by doing all the things she would be doing if she was around. for being there to listen… for just being there. for loving us the way you do. i know it’s been an extra tough year for you, but know that we are all here for you too!

aunty esty, there is no doubt in any of our minds how you love us so, and how much you loved and continue to love our mother. we are grateful that despite the distance, you never let your love and support not be felt. you’re ready to jump to our rescue all the time, and for us that means more than words can express. i know you want to be able to comfort us more than you think you already are, but you are aunty esty, you may not be here, but your love is felt all those miles in between.

on behalf of the napiza children, from the oldest to the cutest errrr i mean youngest… happy mother’s day to you both. the absence of our mother is a void that will always be painful for all of us, but your presence in our live, your abundant love and grace for us makes a little of that pain a little easier to bear. thank you for loving us as your own… for all that you do and all that you are to us. we love you!  

where do i begin???

as everyone pretty much knows, my poor lil’ saatchi (car) suffered a lil’ bruising last weekend, which gave me a lil’ scare. it was bad enough to be in my first accident, but to have had it in my mom’s car, was even worse. i felt so bad that i had crashed her car.  but he now has new tyres and will undergo a re-construction surgery of his front left fender whilst i am away in phils!

speaking of which… that is this saturday! the sibs and i are off to the phils for two weeks to sort out my mom’s estate in manila. it should be a fairly emotional and highly tense two weeks ahead… i can’t wait! *note sarcasm*

news: my friend kaye aka kaychoy bakchoy has given birth to a beautiful little man named Xander Christian. sooo cute. lil’ XaC was born on the 25th april… ANZAC baby!

also my ate meanne give birth to Patricia Annette on the 23rd

babies babies babies! not to mention a good handful (or two) of my friends are preggie! year of the babies! how exciting!

ann and i went to visit kaye on monday for her birthday, and got to meet lil’ XaC…he was so tiny and sooo cute.

on friday my weekend of fun with my Posse began. the morning was spent at the RTA taking my Green P exam. which i passed! woo hooo! i can now LEGALLY drive 100kph. haha!

that afternoon the banans came to pick me up and begin our journey to our hotel apartment. we were filled with excitement, anticipation, and eagerness that not even the overheated car and bad directions from the hotel could dampen the spirit, till…

we got to OAKS Hyde Park, and without warning, or apologies we were told that the 2 bedroom apartment we had booked months ago was no longer available, and that not only were we not getting a two bedroom apartment, we were getting two seperate rooms on different floors. now if the guy even had an ounce of remorse, he surely hid it well, along with his customer service skills! so we reluctantly checked into the two apartments, in two separate floors and was disgusted at the state in which they were in. they were worse than motel F1 if that gives anyone an idea of what it was like. not only was it old, decapitated, and gross… it was filthy and nothing worked. just being in the room made me itch and i was not happy! to the extent that i played the ‘bunso’ (youngest) card and called ate jes and complained! who immediately called the hotel and demanded refund as it was not the room she had booked for us…. 10 minutes after her phone call we checked out. i went next door to the marriott and booked us a room. from the moment i walked in, i loved those guys! they were super helpful, to the point that one of the guys, Tim… walked over to the flea infested hotel next door to pick up my preggy friend Mer and all of our luggage.

when Tim opened the door to our room Mer and i hugged excitedly as though it was christmas morning. the room was so nice (in general and definitely in comparison to the dog house we just left) we called the others quite excited and told them to hurry over from work and what not.

we walked to Oxford Street for dinner and ended up at a Spanish restaurant and Gloria Jeans for coffee, where my cousin Cynt came to hang with us a girlies for awhile.  mind you she was a little disgusted that it was 10 o’clock on a friday night and here we were winding down at gloria jeans. haha!

after ramir came to pick val and mootz-batutz, the four of us… Mer, Ann, Jes and i explored the hotel. checked out the so called heated pool (not quite heated) the jacuzzi, the steam room and sauna before getting ready for bed. by midnight we were sprawled around our respective beds and chatting till we fell asleep. ann and jes we’re very good saturday morning and went on a long walk to and around hyde park, whilst mer and i enjoyed our sleep in before meeting up with the girls for brunch downstairs.

both ann and i had a wedding this weekend around the city so after brunch we got ready. by 2ish we were both outta there and at our own weddings to attend to. mer and jes did a little shopping whilst they waited around for us. by 10 we were all back in the hotel, where we chatted some more and watched dvd’s till we all passed out. we had a quick brunch sunday morning before going to church, and hearing the banans preach.

it was a pretty chilled out weekend which is what we were all aiming for. it’s funny to think that we would rent out a hotel in the city just to chill, but it was a very much needed mini holiday for all of us, and one that we all enjoyed. as ann pointed out, we were the only friends we can do what we did this weekend with so comfortably. we’ve all been away together before, many many times and we’re known each other forever, that it’s home. i love that! through the years, through time apart, we can get back to this… it affirms that some things are meant to last.

the last few months have been such a struggle for me, more so than i openly admitted till now that familiarity brings me much comfort. my family, my friends. people who have remained in my life, despite circumstance and geography.

ann, jes, mer & val – thanks for the weekend, and for your constant presence.

ann – our ability to co-exist and have such intertwined lives always amazes me and brings me such comfort.

jes – no words are necessary! you’re my sis, in every possible way!

mer – i love that i have become such a permanent fixture in your house at least once a week…to an extent where your hubby looks for me when i’m not there.

val – bru! my afternoons would sooo not be the same without our daily catch up sessions. how fun are they!

fun moments of this weekend, and the hysterical laughter…well the laughter after the immense frustration from Oaks…. are memories that i know we will all take with us for the rest of our lives. we’ve been through so much, and i know that my life is more than blessed by having you guys around me, in my immediate world, ready to catch me when i fall. thanks for the ear and for the understanding, when at times even i cannot discern what is going on within me.

I’ve heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you

i used this song on the dvd, because when i first heard it i thought of all that we have been through together, and it rings true! so thank you!

on a sad note, an uncle has passed away, and though i did not know him well, i knew his son well, for he lived with us for many years and in those years he was adopted as a brother. an annoying brother, but a brother. i knew it would be difficult to go to the novena prayers, and i was right. so much brought back those first nights after mom passed away, the novena payers we did for her on the days that followed after her death. more often than not it was hard to distinguish between those first nights to last nights novena prayers. each moment was like a teleport transfer back to those first days. where we would go through each page of that novena, sing those songs, and each time it would hit hard just what we had lost, and how much we were losing from our every day life. last night, or in all honesty the last week, with the car crash and all it was like losing my mom all over again. it’s dumb i know, as it is only a car, but it was my mom’s car. it’s a piece of her.

on friday it will be five months. it’s hard to believe that it’s already may and we have endured life for this long without her. i often wonder if that emptiness will ever stop filling like an endless void, as her absence plagues me more than i care to admit. i do feel like i have lost control and at times only grasping at straws…but i’m not alone. i know that there are a few of us in our own purgatory. there are so many things, every day things that i realise i share with my mom and whenever something creeps up there is that desire to tell her, only to remember she isn’t there anymore. that she will never be there anymore. that i will never come home again with her waiting for me at the kitchen counter. the word envy creeps to mind when i see my friends with their mom’s, moments i will never again share with my mom.

i have officially defered from Uni for the rest of the year, and though it has not been my proudest moment admitting defeat, it was necessary. my heart is no longer in it. at least for this season of my life. there was no point in continuing and failing.  one day i hope to once again pick up that flat pack of my dreams, until then there are other dreams in my heart that i want to pursue, and whilst i’m working on the logistics of that, i will remain at my current work place…. happy happy joy joy happy happy joy!

i feel the last five months of my life has been a job season. but as job did, i know i will come through from this. we all will!

sadly last night, my poor lil’ saatchi was injured. saatchi, for those who have not yet been formally introduced is my recently inherited car from my mom. to say i was distraught would be an understatement. first accidents are always going to be upsetting and somewhat traumatic, but injuring saatchi, with all of the sentiments attached to him was horrible. it sucked.

i was driving home from work, and i was waiting to change lanes into a really busy highway. a massive truck was speeding along on the lane i wanted to merge to, so i waited, but truck was going so fast (as if i’d ever race him to cut into his lane, helloooooo!!! him big, me little) got into my lane so i swerved hitting the side rails of the highway. not fun! me ok, sacchi a little more than bruised. his fender on the left is really bad, and whilst driving home his tyre gave way.

so now saatchi is at the smash repairs awaiting her new wheels… what a month and a half!

greetings from me as i sit here in my office on Easter Saturday. i can hear you utter the words ‘what are you crazy?’ … the answer is, pretty much! but who can really pass up the over time when she is only at work 2/3 days a week with Uni to pay for and a trip to the Phils to prepare for. financially as well as mentally! har har!

it has been a crazy few weeks let me tell you. colour conference was a great experience and i loved the opportunity i had to spend it with my oldest friend ever, as well as my new founds friends from connect. it was a nice balance of new and old. that sunday we also had the hillsong album recording where i went with the posse and posse-lets (jill & mootzter),  afterwards we had dinner at saigon bowl! another saigon favourite!

a big, huge PERK for me was about two weeks ago i got to see chris and nat from my h’smith connect family. they were here for chris’ graduation… congrats man! so proud of you! it was soooo great to see them both. to talk to them both. nat and i had a really good chat which made me miss her even more. it was an awesome evening, and i am soooo pleased to have seen them!

on an exciting note: my cousin mela and her fiance emmar we’re married on 29th March! looking at the photos, she looked beautiful! very happy for them both.

my dear dear dear dear friends brent and dani (aka B & D) were also matrimoniously (is that a word)  joined on wednesday 4th april! how cool is that! you two have been such an amazing inspiration to and testimony for god’s amazing plans. b, just think when we were first flatties at bembridge, you were talking of this girl and now she’s not only your wife, she’s my friend whom i love soooo much! you lucked out with her buddy! you do right by her ok! otherwise you got me and ashe on your back! =)

*sigh*

unfortunate events of the last few weeks includes the death of a really good friend’s grandfather and having to attend his funeral. which admittedly was hard, for all the wrong reasons. i felt bad because as sad as i felt for my friend, and how i understood what she was going through, all that was happening in my head was i was reliving my mom’s funeral.

then this week my grandmother slipped, fell and ended up in the emergency room at campbelltown hospital. talk about having to face your fears. i met with my tita pat at the hospital, knowing how hard it was going to be, for her, for all of us… being in a very familiar situation, so soon after recent tragedies. i had prepared myself for how hard it was going to be, but i wasn’t quite prepared to see my grandma on a hospital bed, looking strikingly like my mother that night we had brought her in. it totally felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. as my tita and i conversed we tried very hard to be stronger, for each other… as i am sure we were both about to fall apart. being in the hospital where my mother worked meant that our faces would be recognised, and the name would be familiar, and when the penny dropped and connection between the two were made, the look the would creep on their face was a mixture of moritifcation and sadness. which inevitably set me to tears.

i have admittedly haven’t spent that much time in the hospital… i find it hard to be there. the smell, the familarity, the lingering sadness… i can’t describe it. i know it’s hard for all of us, and i totally commend tita pat’s abillity to be there all the time, i just can’t. every time i am in a hospital, regardless what it is for, i find it hard to breathe, hard to concentrate and sit still. perhaps it’s because everything’s still so fresh, who knows. we all have haunting images in our minds of the hospital from that night, for my ats it’s a certain sounds that trigger in her head the moment she sets foot in a hospital. for me it’s the smell amongst other things.

so that’s pretty much it… easter is pretty quiet this year obviously due to recent events. we’re gathering on monday for the 11th monthly gathering. we’re having a picnic on site at forest lawn.

happy easter… let us NOT forget what these few days represent, and how huge of a price was paid for our existence. be blessed!

…as these words were uttered by Bobbie on Thursday night at the Colour Conference, a sob involuntarily escaped, for these simple words that encapsulated Catherine Booth’s last breath, defined those last moments in the hospital with my Mom. Without glancing at my oldest friend to my left, I knew that she was crying for the same reason. My Mom was a warrior who fought the battles that needed to be fought (and some that didn’t) and she has been through a hard life, but in those last moments, she did lay down her sword to receive the crown that was awaiting her.

On Friday we finally buried my Mom. After almost three months of having her ashes at home and finalising the family plot, she is finally physically at her resting place. Which is comforting as well as a little sad. The whole week had been like a mental and emotional preparation to what Friday was going to be. How hard it could possibly be. Numerous conversations between my sister and I was had about how we felt about Friday and how it was going to suck, and low and behold, it did suck.

 The night before was spent sleepless as predicted, by all of us I’m sure. It was like we were all torn about the fact that finality will finally be reached and some form of closure, regardless how we didn’t want it, was needed. As previously decided we (the immediate family) were going to meet at Blair Athol and have a procession to Forest Lawn. So there we were, four cars solemnly driving towards where we were going to bury my Mom. Me at front in her car, with her ashes in the front seat beside me whilst her favourite song was playing repeatedly in the car the whole way there, and my Aunt sitting semi silent at the back seat. To say tears fell would be rather stating the obvious. I lost it would probably be a more accurate term. It was the last time my Mom would be in her car, in whatever form. It upset me even more that the last time we were in that car together was the last time we were ever in a car together. Again I was reminded of all the things I was going to miss about her. Again the tears came.

The service was rather low key, and with the exception of the priest who didn’t know her and a couple of others ‘necessary by formality’, it was rather intimate. Exactly how we had wanted it to be. It seemed fitting to only have the people who were there in those last hours with her there. The same people who in that one night formed a bond that was not exactly asked for, but bonded regardless, for which I am grateful. For it is the very same people who have been with us every step of the way. Living out our very own personal nightmare, and getting each other through it, the very best way we can. By sticking together. Through her death my Mom had reminded us the biggest lesson she has ever taught us, that family comes first. It is family, whom not only by blood but spirit that love you unconditionally and are there to meet you at your lowest point, and just sit with you. It’s the very same family who throw that arm around you and comfot you without asking how you are, because something in your spirit tells them you’re not. It’s this family that my Mom would be proud of, the family she always saw in us to be.

Yesterday we had a family lunch at Blair Athol for the 3rd month anniversary…the night before as I cleaned out my room I found a card that my Mom had sent me whilst I was in London, and reading it surely brought me to tears. My Mom hardly writes essays in her cards, and in this particular one, she did. It was my first birthday away from home.

To dearest Cooks,

Although it breaks my heart to let you go, I know I can’t do anything about it.

I’m proud of you and support you in this endeavour. Nobody will say what you did is easy so the more I salute you on this. Be brave, you’ll get through this with flying colours. It’s lonely but think of the things you did before you left, the happy memories, I’m sure it will somehow make up for the sadness you’re feeling now.

Think of the beautiful places you’ll see, the new friends you’ll meet. The sad and the happy experiences in the process, knowing your character you’ll definitely pass this test.

Explore and enjoy. I’m happy in a way that you built courage to do and pursue this venture, what you will see, what you will learn, what you will become after that will certainly build more points to the good person you already are, just stick to your upbringing, culture and principles. Always remember keep your chin up and feel better about yourself all the time. What anybody can you, you can do a lot better.

Look after yourself, eat properly, do a lot of exercise, a healthy body gives you a healthy mind.

Kuya will always be your Kuya. Ate will always be Ate and you will always be you. I believe everyone was born with their own character, parents are there only to guide and support. I love you 3 with the same strength, no more, no less, believe it or not.

Love You, Mom

Needless to say I lost it….again! It was words she wrote over three years ago but they could be applicable today. Through the grief and sorrow it’s easy to forget certain facts, to doubt certain things. My Mom loved me…all of us, and reading those words the other day was upsetting, as it is today, but it’s also like hearing her speak into my heart that is still grieving her absence. That it will be okay. So thanks Mom…for still being around.

You know in that scene in BIG (Tom Hanks wishing he was small and it comes true, thanks to Zoltar), where 13yr old Josh Baskins is in the 30yr old Josh Baskins body, and they were in the big board meeting, and the Dude who wasn’t very nice was explaining how a certain toy works, and Josh couldn’t quite grasp the concept and kept saying ‘I don’t get it?’ … well welcome to my world of PostGrad … as I spend hours pawing through the endless notes, textbook and journals, I still don’t get it. Zero comprende! Brain feels mushy and nothing is going in! Attention span, non existent! But enough about my higher education.

We celebrated Jes’ birthday by the Wharf at some swish restaurant. Good food and definitely good company. Definitely getting old! To which we all sheepishly realised at 10:30 when we all parted ways to make our way to our respective homes. Chris, I loved the insight to Beauty Care for Guys. Ramir, do tell if it works for you!

Saturday was one of my old friend’s baby shower Kaye, who goes years ad years back. We put a whole new meaning to the word letters. I have not only the box of letters to prove it, but the books too! (at some stage we moved on from stationary to notebooks) FUN! They’re hillarious to read!

That night we also celebrated Ate Lei’s 40th birthday at Enzo’s. It was a nice evening with the family. Though in all honesty, I think we all felt a tinge of sadness. It was like there was a distinct significant element missing from the fold, and we all felt it. It’s the first birthday we have had to celebrated without my Mom (in this country), and seeing as my Mom more often than not made a point to spoil us on our birthdays, she was missed. My Mom was well known for her quiet exterior at family gatherings, sitting in the background, observing, trying to keep awake (as she would be just off work or ready to work), making comments, etc. It’s funny what you miss. My Mom wasn’t one who showed her affection physically, if she did, it was rarely, but we knew she loved us, to a fault almost. My Mom showered her love by showering us with gifts, her cooking, her undeniable presence, etc.

Admittedly, I am not looking forward to my birthday this year. For as long as I can remember, if my Mom was home on the night before my birthday (she works nights), she would always come into my bed and wish me a Happy Birthday, as she did last year, on my first birthday back from being away for two years. She lay on my bed and slept there next to me for a couple of hours before heading back to her own bed, or the couch which she used more often than her own bed. If she wasn’t home, she’d call right on midnight, a tradition that never ceased even in my absence.

On Friday we bury her, once and for all she will finally be laid to rest. I’m glad, at the same time a little sad. It means letting go, and we’ve already lost so much…but I also know that it’s necessary. She can’t be at home forever. Friday will be like her funeral all over again, and G0d give us all the strength to survive yet another hard day.  

…so first week of uni, one would think it would be easy breezy right? first week and all… ummmm…. NO!!!! (she whines)

admittedly i was well excited for uni to start. aside from not having to be at work on the worst day of the week, i get to do that whole ‘uni student’ thing again. the moment my lecturer started going through the material, and what it involves, and the workload, the time investments…i believe i uttered the words ‘this whole higher education thing? my idea?’ … apparently it was.

don’t get me wrong, i am loving it. it was just a little bit of a rude awakening. i have two subjects and the average work load for each subject is 12 hours, per week. arrrgggghhhhhh!!! i have case studies, journals, etc to read, as well as online lectures to watch and online quizzes to do by the end of each week. head spin! but all good.

started going to my new connect group which is located at currans hill, only ten minutes away from home. all girls, and it was great to be in that environment again, where everyone is on the same path, and we’re all spurring each other on. it made me miss h’smith connect a lil less and think back on it with fondness instead of longingly.

griefshare has been going well. it’s been nice to hang out with j, and just fool around. reminisce about, etc. this week we’re supposed to bring a photo of our loved one, which i guess makes it more real for each of us…not like it isn’t, but i guess it’s all part of the healing process *sigh*

politics still bother me. i know it shouldn’t. but it does. i guess its that whole falling from grace and pedastal thing. if i did to them, they certainly did for me too. more so than i can express and that’s sad. i will never be able to articulate how much ‘events’ have hurt me. despite intentions to the contrary. so much for that.

today is winnie’s birthday and we’re all meeting in the city for dinner, which will be nice. happy 29th birthday winnie, you’ve crossed over. you’re now ann and mer’s age! 

tomorrow is ate lei’s birthday and we’re all going to dinner to celebrate her 40th. ate your list, it HILLARIOUS!

friday we’re going to finally bury my mom, which i guess closes the latest chapter. though it would be good to finally get everything settled, a part of me doesn’t want to part with her. but she deserves to be at her resting place,  and it’s like she’s never really left. she’s around, and she’s in all of us. i just miss her. the house seems empty, and i now know what she meant when she used to say that after i left for london. i have taken for granted the times we were able to talk, and her mere presence in the house *sigh*

 …another day… 

I know that I have been somewhat slack in the whole blogging department, but I figure with the amount of comments I received about floods of tears, I’d give you guys a break. That and I haven’t been able to conjure up the energy to blog!

So the 2nd month came and went. As what has now become tradition the whole immediate family was over for lunch.  The 11th gatherings has an element of sadness that lingers throughout the day and I am grateful that we are all together on that particular day. I know it makes it bearable for me.

The latest is that the Siblings and I are not going to the Philippines in March, instead opting to go later in the year where it would be more convenient. With Mom’s affairs and what not, March is not doable.

We are aiming for March 9th to bury Mom’s ashes. I think that will bring a closure, at the same time it’s sad too.

My tears spurts are happening somewhat less sporadic…but they come!

GriefShare has been good. The group has definitely gelled together now, and it has helped me more than I thought it would.

With Uni starting I feel that my schedule just got a whole lot busier, which I didn’t think was possible, but oh well. I love being a student again, and I am loving my course. I met a fellow Londoner today in my class, and she only arrived on Friday. Needless to say she is pining for the cold and wet London.

Anyways, this is just a quick entry, as I still have loads of reading to do. I promise my future entries will be a little less Blah! The inspiration’s a little hard to tap into at the moment.