…a brief glance…

well it’s that time we knew would come and we never really wanted it to come around, because it would make things even more real than it already it… we’re on our way to the phils to sort out my mom’s estate there. just another tick to the countless of boxes that needs to be addressed, getting to the end of the list makes it somewhat bittersweet. finally everything will be sorted, but at the same time it gives a finality i know we are all far from being ready to accept.

this whole week has been a little rougher than the usual. with the anniversary and with tito gading’s funeral.

we attended his viewing on wednesday night and that was an experience my sister and i were so not looking forward to and in all honesty dreaded like a plague. but we went. we had to. it was the right thing to do, and we wanted to be there for kuya noel, who before he got married was such a huge part of our family. to say it was like a bad de ja vue would be an understatement. my mom’s viewing and tito gading’s viewing and the events surrounding it began to blend into one another from the moment go. my ate and i stood at the back holding back tears (which she succeeded far better than i did) and fighting back the gut wrenching feeling that has become somewhat familiar. there were people there who obviously knew who we were and the events that had surounded our recent life. the sad glances and sympathetic knowing looks brought a feeling of wanting to crawl out of one’s skin.

i get a feeling that this trip is going to be reliving the worst moments of our lives all over again. mourning all over again. i know that my sister and i are not looking forward to it at all. we’re scared of popping off the cap that we believe we’re closed, because at the other side of that is a whole lot of emotions we both know we haven’t dealt with. we have all been trying so hard to keep each other afloat, the very best that we can, and i certainly feel that it is not going to take very much for us to break. those who know us well, and who have traveled this road with us are aware of this, we can see it in their eyes, the constant worried glances that they try so hard not to show, for the words unspoken, and the words that are carefully formed.

sunday is mother’s day, by some blessing we are not here in sydney, where we would inevitably feel the void. though we would feel the void regardless geography, not being in sydney and in her house, we can almost pretend that the day does not exist. how do you celebrate a day that no longer exists for you? how do you co-exist with those who still can when watching tears at your soul?

yesterday as i stood over my mother’s grave, it was like all the other times before…no words could be formed, no thoughts could be completed, just tears. what can i say, i am my mother’s daughter and crying at a drop of the hat comes way too easily.

the last few months, have been hard, but if i were to choose a word to describe it that word i would use would be EXHAUSTING. we are all running on broken sleep if any sleep at all, haunted thoughts, and a sense of emptiness.

i am grateful that we are surounded by our cousins who without fail check in regularly, not so much for conversation but the comfort that they are on the other side of the phone, just wanting to hear your voice. they’ve certainly become our pillars and reassuring support.

to both my aunts, happy mother’s day. occasions this year is touch, it’s the first without her. on behalf of my siblings and i, we thank you for your undeniable presence in my life. who from the moment go you immediately adopted us as your own, regardless how old we are and more than you already have in all the years we’ve grown up. i know you have always looked at us as your own, just as my mom had with your own kids, it’s that amazing bond i guess that comes with sisters/siblings…but we totally feel how true that is now if we had any doubts before.

tita pat, i have no words. you have totally taken over taking care of us, and i cannot express how much i appreciate all that you do for us, for your unfailing love and support. for trying so hard to make her absence not so noticeable by doing all the things she would be doing if she was around. for being there to listen… for just being there. for loving us the way you do. i know it’s been an extra tough year for you, but know that we are all here for you too!

aunty esty, there is no doubt in any of our minds how you love us so, and how much you loved and continue to love our mother. we are grateful that despite the distance, you never let your love and support not be felt. you’re ready to jump to our rescue all the time, and for us that means more than words can express. i know you want to be able to comfort us more than you think you already are, but you are aunty esty, you may not be here, but your love is felt all those miles in between.

on behalf of the napiza children, from the oldest to the cutest errrr i mean youngest… happy mother’s day to you both. the absence of our mother is a void that will always be painful for all of us, but your presence in our live, your abundant love and grace for us makes a little of that pain a little easier to bear. thank you for loving us as your own… for all that you do and all that you are to us. we love you!