…a brief glance…

we’re back…home and even more exhausted than what we were when we frst left. and all i did was be a mascot! emotional support shall we say. assistant to the executor’s executor.

by wednesday evening, after a lot of running around (by kuya and kuya jayvee) and some angry words from my darling somewhat distressed sister to the meralco man…we had electricity. mind you this was after a whole day of waiting for them to be turned on. sadly for my sister and myself who was bound and determined to stay there, wanting to clean the place and plant ourselves there for the remainder of the trip, the stinkin’ air con was not working. uh huh! 40 degree humidity and no air con! with a studio flat to clean! fun! i’ll spare you the details shall i? all i know is at 4am i shook my sister awake and begged for the window to be opened because i couldn’t breathe!

on our first day in the condo we were ushered out as fumigation started at 9am to 12pm… so what did we do my sister and i? spend the next three hours at the coolest place we could find in the whole complex… in the swimming pool of  course. therefore we paid the price hours later realising we were sunburnt. apparantly it was my fault! whatever ats!

the days that followed just blur into the other because more often than not we were going from place to place trying to get all the requirements done, and so on and so forth. on the saturday my ats and i went to visit navotas, where we grew up and even caught of the school we used to go to. sunday we had patricia annette’s baptism.

time passed so quickly, and there were many frustrating moments, especially in the last legs of the trip. signature requirements and what nots… but i think we’re almost all done. funds need to be transfered and last of the paperwork needs to be sent, after that, done. things with the solicitor here seems to be getting tied up to, which is a relief after so many months. with my ats and bro taking care of all the financial needs of the house i know that this is much needed. after all it has been six months.

on the saturday we were to leave, was a day of frenzy…at least after we woke up. packing needed to be done, last minute cleaning, family to see, etc. when we got back to the condo, i checked my oz phone, and there were several missed calls from a private number as well as numerous messages. i almost dropped the phone when i read it.

lana, a good friend of mine in london, and the only female flatmate i ever had there was killed tragically in a car crash in south africa early that morning. i looked at ate meanne who caught my expression and i could barely utter the words out. not another one. i couldn’t help but mumble to myself. quickly i collected myself. it was a full house and we were about to say our goodbyes and a melt down wasn’t appropriate. i swallowed hard and said our quick goodbyes to the family. in the lift i uttered the words to my sister and just stood there in shock. and in shock i stayed.

throughout the night, and the flight, memories with lana kept popping in. our talks in her room, and just hanging out. watching movies from my laptop, finding notes in my room from her, her and i cramped into our tiny bathroom colouring my hair. sitting in our kitchen sharing our frustrations for the day. after b left for south africa, she had made living in bembridge house bearable, and fun. shortly after i left to go home, so did she, and we have been in touch mainly through myspace, and randomnly i receive these quirky messages, and they never fail to make me laugh, as lana always knew how to do regardless how bad my day was going. it’s weird to say that i am going to miss her, after all i have been missing her all this time we have been apart, and the thought that i will never see her again, incomprehendable. i’ve never lost a friend through death before and as the fourth death in my sphere of world in the last 6 months, it’s not any easier. it feels like i haven’t even begun to fully mourn my mother and i here i am mourning one of my friends who was so young and full of life. so much loss in such a short period of time. how do you begin coping for something when you’re half way through coping something else, the most tragic event of your life? talk about fighting with multiple swords simultaneously.

recently i have felt that i haven’t been coping all that well. i find that i have very little control over my tears, and emotions in general and it frustrates me. i should be coping better. i should be getting somewhere by now. why isn’t it getting any better? what am i doing wrong? what am i not doing? everyone tells me that i can’t put a time on living through the worst moments of my life… i can’t help it. is it ever going to hurt less? will the void always be so great? will it get any easier?

lana’s memorial is in a couple of days, and how i wish i could be there… at the same time relieved that i can’t. if that at all makes any sense. i am praying for her and her whole family. for her friends, for our friends who i share the grief and loss with. lana steyn was a beautful person with an amazing enery with a laugh so contagious that you just wanted to hug her. i’ll miss you my friend. look my mom up, she’ll take care of you.