…a brief glance…

Well, it’s 2007! A new year lay before us, and I wish I hold the same anticipation as I did before, but circumstances have put my enthusiasm on hold. I had looked forward to the brand new year.

There was so much in 2007 that was awaiting me. Beginning Uni and studying something that has been in my heart for so long. My cousin’s upcoming wedding which meant going back to the Phils for a few weeks. A few births of a handful of my favourite people in the world, perhaps even a wedding of one of my friends. Trips to take, weekend away and road trips, the possibilities were endless. Though all those things are still in place, I am finding it hard to embrace them with the enthusiasm I would have.

Our New Year was bittersweet. We were all together at a New Year, all my cousins together (with exception of those overseas). We had spent the day at Cynt’s flat which overlooked the Harbour Bridge, ready for the New Year fireworks. We had a nice lunch and settled into what has become familiar ‘hang’ with each other, as we have for the last twenty one days. Our families weaved and intertwined in such a way that night that being together has become a safe haven that I admit I take comfort in. It is only at these moments that I feel as comfortable as I am going to get during these times. I feel it is for these very same reasons that all of us have felt more than drawn to each other. We joke of separation anxiety from each other, but as the bunso, the youngest of our crew here in OZ, I appreciate their unfailing presence.

My godchild sat on my lap as the 9:00pm fireworks began, and I couldn’t help but feel incredibly sad that my mother had missed the fireworks. How she would have loved them. Straight after the fireworks I glanced at my brother and nodded, it was time to go home to spend New Year at home as my Mom would have wanted to. As our tradition from as long as I could remember, Christmas and New Year were for family, and spent at home. A tradition I once felt restricted by has become more than a comfort to me. As we said our goodnights, tears began to well up in all our eyes. The holiday season was officially over, and it was time to come out of hibernation and the comforts of the cocoon we have all been living in with each other. It was time to face the rest of our worlds, the worlds that did not necessarily understand what we had to endure the last few weeks. Like children we clung to one another through tears recognising that though a new year had began there was something missing, a great something.

My Aunt who has barely left our sides since that night arrived to kick in the New Year with us along with my Ate Lei and her husband Kuya Jamie, and Glenda. We had a somewhat ominous later dinner as we waited for countdown, and as we waited, it just didn’t feel right. I missed my Mother! At that point my Mom would holding a pot and a spoon in her hand ready to make the noises to welcome the new year, excited for the fireworks that we can watch from our front lawn. The moments from the countdown to the fireworks seemed to go by incredibly slowly. It was the New Year, but it seemed wrong to celebrate a new year without my Mom. As we watched the fireworks, only footsteps away from where the accident occurred, we clung to each other as uncontrollable silent tears began to pour out. When we thought no more tears could be shed, the floodgates of my tears opened. How hard I wished that my Mother was there.

Tomorrow I go back to work, and to say I am apprehensive would be an understatement, but it’s never going to be easy so I may as well take that first step. Here’s praying that I can hold it together for at least the 9 hours I am at work.