…a brief glance…

…merry christmas!

it’s christmas eve and i’m here at my sister’s awaiting christmas celebrations. it’s weird a couple of weeks ago i thought this christmas would be a reflection on last christmas, where i was and how different it was. well it seems it is different this year, i just never thought it would be different because my mom is gone.

the last couple of weeks have been filled with chaos, funeral arrangements, family coming over from the States, keeping it all together, having the novenas every night for 9 evenings, etc. now with the funeral over, the nightly evening prayer/novenas finished, and relatives back in their respective homes, we are forced to face the rest of our lives. the rest of our lives without my mom.

i find myself fading in and out, some days it’s easy to slip into thinking that it never happened, that she will walk into the house in her usual glory, but every time i look out on the porch, i know better. the littlest things trigger memories, and regardless how hard one tries to think of anything else, it always comes back to the fact that she’s gone.

the other day as we tried to get all of our christmas shopping done, i found myself all teary eyed as i realised that i will never again walk that mall with my mom. i realised just how much christmas it wrapped up in her and the traditions that seemed to have built themselves over the years. shopping for presents for everyone together. trying on clothes, picking out my christmas outfit which would be her christmas present for me. going home and wrapping all of the presents she bought for everyone else because it was my job. sitting in the kitchen as she prepared the christmas feast. more often than not i would be obliged to chop vegetables and wrap hundreds of spring rolls. we would often joke about how frustrating it is that it takes us so long to prepare and wrap and it only takes seconds for people to devour. despite that, she loved it. she loved preparing the meals that would bring us all together after midnight mass. i can’t believe she’s not here this year. my first year back from being away. my first christmas back in sydney, and now it’s my first christmas without her.

it’s bound to get easier, and this i know. god’s grace has been abundant, and i am grateful for much.

i am grateful that she did not suffer, and she passed peacefully as she would have wished.

i am grateful for my brother and my sister and the bond that not only exists but strenghtened during the last couple of weeks.

i am grateful for my aunts, my mom’s sisters who have rallied around us providing comfort, grieving along side us for a person they have loved for far longer than we have.

i am grateful for my cousins who from the moment we were at the hospital have not left our sides, who have become our own personal bodyguards, assisting with our every needs and making sure that if someone was to upset us they would be there to jump in front to take the bullet. my cousins who have been like my own personal crutch, quick to jump to my aid when i most need it. for their love and support. for their shoulder and unlimited supply of dry clothes as i inevitably wet them with my tears. for the endless hugs that continue to keep coming spontenaeously.

i am grateful to my sister in law (ha!) for being my stitch and providing the strength when we needed it the most. for being with us all the way.

i am grateful for my cousins’ spouses who have been nothing less than like my own cousins.

i am grateful for my mom’s best friends who have been there with us. for my godmother for flying over to be with us and attend her funeral. i know it would have meant the world to my mom that she held her end of the bargain. that she was there to provide much laughter. for my sister’s godmother who has been like a mother to us all for as i can remember. for all that she did for my mom, and for all that she continues to do for us. for her love and support, without it would have left us more lost.

i am grateful for my friends. my posse who grieve alongside me for the mom that we all grew up knowing. the mom who cooked for us, and often chuckled as the four of us were together so frequently. my posse who i have grown up with. for their support, and for setting up our house after the funeral while our family wasn’t there. for being there to greet everyone on our behalf whilst we weren’t there.

i am grateful for the friends whom i can only describe as extended family in london, who despite the distance have been with me every step of the way. who have gone above and beyond to comfort and to bring a smile to my face. they totally rock!

there is much to be grateful for and god has blessed us with an amazing support system. i know that time will lessen the void that is haunting each of us. for the time being we can only take each day as it comes, and as hard as it is, we just need to keep moving forward.