Month: December 2007

that we survived the first year anniversary. i wish i could say the same for the aftermath of what had unfolded…but it all remains to be the proverbial elephant in the room *cooks shrugs her shoulders in acceptance*

after a late night on monday, none of us were exactly wanting to do anything extensive, therefore the trip to berrima was postponed for another time. we spent time at the cemetary and headed to the city to do last minute shopping with aunty esty, all of us present slipping in and out mentally thoughout the day. there was like an impending doom hanging over my head, and i’m sure my siblings, it was like that night meant it was real. for days we had all been living our own personal torturous re-enctaments of the events from the year before. emotions were erratic and highly sensitive.

as people began to arrive it was like being transported back to that first night of prayers at the house, and all the emotions seemed as fresh as they were that first night. the whole time i felt like all the walls were closing in on me and i couldn’t breathe. uncontrollable tears brought me back to a place where i didn’t want to be. everything hurt all over again. whatever we learned to numb over the last months had managed to strip away in that one night. like someone had ripped off the bandaid and realised that the wound was not completely healed as yet.

as selfish as it sounded, i didn’t want to do the formalities, and address anyone. i didn’t want to deal with anything and all i wanted to do was scream the whole time. for so many reasons, and no reason at all. even my siblings and i were all on separate pages that night, dealing with the day in our own way. there were endless responsibilities i threw up in the air that night in defeat. i should have been a better host. i should have catered to my mom’s friends, i should haves…. there are so many, and i just couldn’t. i just didn’t want to. with the excruciating pain of acknowledging the loss again and all the other things that came to pass, i just didn’t want to!

a major shout out to my posse who in their unfailing love were just there. despite how unreasonable, highly strung and sensitive i had been days prior, they were there front and centre. not only for me, but for my family. always a phone call away to run last minute errands. thanks guys. they were there to sit with me at the front of my house as i cried endless tears. the four of us huddled at the front of my house on the ground must’ve been a sight to see, but there they were. my friends, my sisters, heart and soul… for you guys i am eternally grateful. thank you for being there for me in every essence of the word, knowing what i needed and just being there. i don’t know what i would have done without you guys in my lifetime, this last year especially, as for that night…. i am grateful that god had equipped me with you guys who fight for me when i don’t have enough  strength to even stand up.

i can’t believe that it’s been a year. i have walked into her bedroom more times in the last week than i had the whole year in total, which in it’s own way was therapeutic, but i think the unspoken words of ‘we’re not ready to change anything in there’ has been established.

this year has been tough, in every possible way. we’ve all been forced to grow up in a way. in the worst possible way, and though we are getting there, there will always be the void that we will never be content in having. this past year has been about mourning and healing. as the year draws to a close, it feels like that there were so many things this year that i have had to mourn for. closures necessary and inveitable.

it was nice to have aunty esty here. as sad as the reason was. not to mention similarities between her and my mother sometimes left me pausing for a moment. especially when she’s walking around in her ‘duster’, socks, slippers and all. she makes the same noises my mother made, and during this period, it was almost comforting.

aunty esty attempted to cater to all our needs. she cooked meals, hemmed my pants, ironed clothes, all things that if my mother was around she would not have gotten away with. i know in her own way she was trying to make it less like ‘someone’ is missing. not to replace, but to ease the inevitable pain she sees through us.

we’re fortunate that our mother left us with our aunts…. both who have selflessly adopted us in addition to their own brood. especially tita pat who has spent most of this year making sure that my brother and i are surviving. providing the ‘mother-y’ things we may need. so to the both of you, we are grateful…. but you don’t need to worry about us so much anymore. we’re getting there =) surviving this year would not have been the same without you.

to my cousins who never missed an anniversary dinner/lunch and who are there at a drop of a hat if we need them. ate lei and cynt for consistently checking in. your phone calls and shout outs mean lots!

to my siblings who are walking the same torturous path of grieving… despite our differences and normal sibling tiffs, without you both, i would be lost. in your own ways you give me strength. you’re my guideposts. despite appearances, i lean on you both and look to you often for where i should be.

to the in-law, whom i don’t really see as often these days, yes yes my fault…. blah blah! thank you for the support you provide for the sibling in question. i know without you, said sibling would be lost. she draws her strength from you and for that i am grateful.

christmas is next week, and it so does not feel like christmas at all. perhaps it’s the circumstances that has now plagued this time of year, or the mere busy-ness of life. who knows. the tree is up and the lights have been hung, and the spirit cannot be found. perhaps it’s because of the void we feel. i certainly hate christmas shopping more than ever before, and realising that i will no longer be doing it with my mother anymore, makes it that little less appealing. our christmas season was always spent shopping together for everyone’s presents, christmas outfits, christmas feast, my decorating the tree and her watching and pointing at where i missed a spot. i even miss wrapping all the presents she would buy, which is something i grew to hate over the years. looking back, i realise just how much i did share with my mother, and i know how lucky i am that i had that. which makes it that little bit harder to know she’s no longer around.

what i want for christmas, more than anything else…. is for the tension to be dissolved. so many things were just blown out of proportion in the last week, and i can’t stand it. haven’t we all already lost so much? i know i have, and having to be in the middle of whatever this is makes me tired, frustrated and sad. sad that i managed to play a part in fracturing what is already a fragile dynamic. maybe it’s silly and childish to wish things as they were…. but they have to be better than what it has become.

*sigh*

so another sleepless night. which in all honesty is not at all uncommon these days. but what can you do. these last couple of weeks have been tough. for all the obvious reasons. my closest friends can atest to my emotional turmoil, as they have pretty much had to deal the brunt of it all. gotta love that about friend’s who’ve known you forever. they, who recognise the deeper part of the ‘unreasonable’. without judgement, without question. so thank you. you know who you are.

this weekend was tough. it was busy with gatherings and events, but the sense of sadness and loss plagued every minute. as each moment there was an opportunity to say, exactly this time last year…. it’s one of those self inflicting torture one inflicts on one’s self when one is sadistic. it’s like the sore you have that you can’t help but poke poke poke.

we had a gathering at my Ats house on sunday, which perhaps on hindsight on her behalf was great… as i didn’t have to relieve the whole thing in my head at home. but who was i kidding. who were we all kidding. as much fun as it was to be hanging out at the new house, there was a sense of escapism we were all seeking. which would explain why it was a little hard to go home that evening.

yesterday was the official anniversary date of the accident. my sister and i took the road most traveled of retail theraphy in hopes of providing distraction…which was futile, as we both knew what it was we were doing, and what is was we were running from.

putting the lights up took awhile to jumpstart. plain and simple, it sucked. seeing as i remember so vividly the year before. the laughing and the tragic events that followed.

5:53am – this time last year my sister and sat by my mother’s bedside at the hospital clinging to her physically for we knew the inevtaible was moments away. i remember how each breath she took, we held our own breaths, wondering if that were the last one she was going to take. i remember looking at my sister as though i was asking her, begging her to tell me that ‘that moment’ we were having wasn’t real. that it was a dream. that she was going to pull through, that we spent the whole night in the hospital but everything was going to be okay. but as i looked at her, her face mirrored the raging need for postive affirmation that everything was going to be fine. even if we both knew it wasn’t, and will never be again. after all that is our mother.

6:01- this time last year, my mother took her last breath. our whole world shifted, if not fell apart.

i vaguely remember the hours that passed after. which in hindsight is a good thing. i remember looking at my sister horrified. then having my brother walk in only moments after, just missing her. the guilt that i felt that we sent him home depriving him of those last few hours with her. having to tell tita pat. i remember placing my head beside hers and just hugging her so tight, even though i knew she was already gone, as though my holding on to her so tightly would bring her back. but it didn’t. i remember the sun was just coming up. i remember every single person in our immediate family standing in that hospital room for hours, in our own way, saying our goodbyes to the whatever remnants of my mother lingered in that cold room. i remember the nurse finally coming in to tell us that someone was coming in to take her away. i remember the panic and rage and sense of loss overtaking me, and i remember the distinct howl that left my mouth. it just couldn’t be… but it was. i watched from the foot of the bed as each of my cousins said their goodbyes. watching tita pat say goobye to her was probably as hard as having to say goodbye to her. when they were done, the three of us looked at each other not wanting to go first. i guess the quicker we did it, the quicker it would be over and we weren’t ready for that. but it was time, and we had to. ate went first, and i followed. it seemed important to let kuya be the last one to asy goodbye, maybe because he wasn’t there for the last few, who knows. all i remember is not wanting to let go, and practically having to be pried away from her despite the fact that i knew she wasn’t really there anymore. my brother led us out of there, and as a unit, we walked away from her room knowing that would follow were going to knock as off our feet. more than it already had.

 the days that followed were as blurry as those first hours. snippits of it come and go in my memory. for the most part i don’t want to forget, at the same time, i would love to.

a year on, and as hard as things are at times, we’re getting there. we got through the first of everything that she missed. birthdays, moments, etc. to say that i miss her daily would be an understatement. there’s not a day that passes that i don’t feel the loss of my mother, and how there is an irreplaceable void in my life that i cannot fathom. but as we have begun to move on and perhaps even heal, we need to keep moving forward. we owe her that.

today we’re going to the cemetary, then on to berrima, then prepare for tonight’s gathering. it’s going to be one of those nights…  

…i, along with everyone else in our immediate world knew that this month would suck. that the first few days of december would be excruciating. it certainly provides comfort having aunty esty around, and having the family together almost as often as we did almost a year ago. except, it does suck.