…a brief glance…

so another sleepless night. which in all honesty is not at all uncommon these days. but what can you do. these last couple of weeks have been tough. for all the obvious reasons. my closest friends can atest to my emotional turmoil, as they have pretty much had to deal the brunt of it all. gotta love that about friend’s who’ve known you forever. they, who recognise the deeper part of the ‘unreasonable’. without judgement, without question. so thank you. you know who you are.

this weekend was tough. it was busy with gatherings and events, but the sense of sadness and loss plagued every minute. as each moment there was an opportunity to say, exactly this time last year…. it’s one of those self inflicting torture one inflicts on one’s self when one is sadistic. it’s like the sore you have that you can’t help but poke poke poke.

we had a gathering at my Ats house on sunday, which perhaps on hindsight on her behalf was great… as i didn’t have to relieve the whole thing in my head at home. but who was i kidding. who were we all kidding. as much fun as it was to be hanging out at the new house, there was a sense of escapism we were all seeking. which would explain why it was a little hard to go home that evening.

yesterday was the official anniversary date of the accident. my sister and i took the road most traveled of retail theraphy in hopes of providing distraction…which was futile, as we both knew what it was we were doing, and what is was we were running from.

putting the lights up took awhile to jumpstart. plain and simple, it sucked. seeing as i remember so vividly the year before. the laughing and the tragic events that followed.

5:53am – this time last year my sister and sat by my mother’s bedside at the hospital clinging to her physically for we knew the inevtaible was moments away. i remember how each breath she took, we held our own breaths, wondering if that were the last one she was going to take. i remember looking at my sister as though i was asking her, begging her to tell me that ‘that moment’ we were having wasn’t real. that it was a dream. that she was going to pull through, that we spent the whole night in the hospital but everything was going to be okay. but as i looked at her, her face mirrored the raging need for postive affirmation that everything was going to be fine. even if we both knew it wasn’t, and will never be again. after all that is our mother.

6:01- this time last year, my mother took her last breath. our whole world shifted, if not fell apart.

i vaguely remember the hours that passed after. which in hindsight is a good thing. i remember looking at my sister horrified. then having my brother walk in only moments after, just missing her. the guilt that i felt that we sent him home depriving him of those last few hours with her. having to tell tita pat. i remember placing my head beside hers and just hugging her so tight, even though i knew she was already gone, as though my holding on to her so tightly would bring her back. but it didn’t. i remember the sun was just coming up. i remember every single person in our immediate family standing in that hospital room for hours, in our own way, saying our goodbyes to the whatever remnants of my mother lingered in that cold room. i remember the nurse finally coming in to tell us that someone was coming in to take her away. i remember the panic and rage and sense of loss overtaking me, and i remember the distinct howl that left my mouth. it just couldn’t be… but it was. i watched from the foot of the bed as each of my cousins said their goodbyes. watching tita pat say goobye to her was probably as hard as having to say goodbye to her. when they were done, the three of us looked at each other not wanting to go first. i guess the quicker we did it, the quicker it would be over and we weren’t ready for that. but it was time, and we had to. ate went first, and i followed. it seemed important to let kuya be the last one to asy goodbye, maybe because he wasn’t there for the last few, who knows. all i remember is not wanting to let go, and practically having to be pried away from her despite the fact that i knew she wasn’t really there anymore. my brother led us out of there, and as a unit, we walked away from her room knowing that would follow were going to knock as off our feet. more than it already had.

 the days that followed were as blurry as those first hours. snippits of it come and go in my memory. for the most part i don’t want to forget, at the same time, i would love to.

a year on, and as hard as things are at times, we’re getting there. we got through the first of everything that she missed. birthdays, moments, etc. to say that i miss her daily would be an understatement. there’s not a day that passes that i don’t feel the loss of my mother, and how there is an irreplaceable void in my life that i cannot fathom. but as we have begun to move on and perhaps even heal, we need to keep moving forward. we owe her that.

today we’re going to the cemetary, then on to berrima, then prepare for tonight’s gathering. it’s going to be one of those nights…