…a brief glance…

that we survived the first year anniversary. i wish i could say the same for the aftermath of what had unfolded…but it all remains to be the proverbial elephant in the room *cooks shrugs her shoulders in acceptance*

after a late night on monday, none of us were exactly wanting to do anything extensive, therefore the trip to berrima was postponed for another time. we spent time at the cemetary and headed to the city to do last minute shopping with aunty esty, all of us present slipping in and out mentally thoughout the day. there was like an impending doom hanging over my head, and i’m sure my siblings, it was like that night meant it was real. for days we had all been living our own personal torturous re-enctaments of the events from the year before. emotions were erratic and highly sensitive.

as people began to arrive it was like being transported back to that first night of prayers at the house, and all the emotions seemed as fresh as they were that first night. the whole time i felt like all the walls were closing in on me and i couldn’t breathe. uncontrollable tears brought me back to a place where i didn’t want to be. everything hurt all over again. whatever we learned to numb over the last months had managed to strip away in that one night. like someone had ripped off the bandaid and realised that the wound was not completely healed as yet.

as selfish as it sounded, i didn’t want to do the formalities, and address anyone. i didn’t want to deal with anything and all i wanted to do was scream the whole time. for so many reasons, and no reason at all. even my siblings and i were all on separate pages that night, dealing with the day in our own way. there were endless responsibilities i threw up in the air that night in defeat. i should have been a better host. i should have catered to my mom’s friends, i should haves…. there are so many, and i just couldn’t. i just didn’t want to. with the excruciating pain of acknowledging the loss again and all the other things that came to pass, i just didn’t want to!

a major shout out to my posse who in their unfailing love were just there. despite how unreasonable, highly strung and sensitive i had been days prior, they were there front and centre. not only for me, but for my family. always a phone call away to run last minute errands. thanks guys. they were there to sit with me at the front of my house as i cried endless tears. the four of us huddled at the front of my house on the ground must’ve been a sight to see, but there they were. my friends, my sisters, heart and soul… for you guys i am eternally grateful. thank you for being there for me in every essence of the word, knowing what i needed and just being there. i don’t know what i would have done without you guys in my lifetime, this last year especially, as for that night…. i am grateful that god had equipped me with you guys who fight for me when i don’t have enough  strength to even stand up.

i can’t believe that it’s been a year. i have walked into her bedroom more times in the last week than i had the whole year in total, which in it’s own way was therapeutic, but i think the unspoken words of ‘we’re not ready to change anything in there’ has been established.

this year has been tough, in every possible way. we’ve all been forced to grow up in a way. in the worst possible way, and though we are getting there, there will always be the void that we will never be content in having. this past year has been about mourning and healing. as the year draws to a close, it feels like that there were so many things this year that i have had to mourn for. closures necessary and inveitable.

it was nice to have aunty esty here. as sad as the reason was. not to mention similarities between her and my mother sometimes left me pausing for a moment. especially when she’s walking around in her ‘duster’, socks, slippers and all. she makes the same noises my mother made, and during this period, it was almost comforting.

aunty esty attempted to cater to all our needs. she cooked meals, hemmed my pants, ironed clothes, all things that if my mother was around she would not have gotten away with. i know in her own way she was trying to make it less like ‘someone’ is missing. not to replace, but to ease the inevitable pain she sees through us.

we’re fortunate that our mother left us with our aunts…. both who have selflessly adopted us in addition to their own brood. especially tita pat who has spent most of this year making sure that my brother and i are surviving. providing the ‘mother-y’ things we may need. so to the both of you, we are grateful…. but you don’t need to worry about us so much anymore. we’re getting there =) surviving this year would not have been the same without you.

to my cousins who never missed an anniversary dinner/lunch and who are there at a drop of a hat if we need them. ate lei and cynt for consistently checking in. your phone calls and shout outs mean lots!

to my siblings who are walking the same torturous path of grieving… despite our differences and normal sibling tiffs, without you both, i would be lost. in your own ways you give me strength. you’re my guideposts. despite appearances, i lean on you both and look to you often for where i should be.

to the in-law, whom i don’t really see as often these days, yes yes my fault…. blah blah! thank you for the support you provide for the sibling in question. i know without you, said sibling would be lost. she draws her strength from you and for that i am grateful.

christmas is next week, and it so does not feel like christmas at all. perhaps it’s the circumstances that has now plagued this time of year, or the mere busy-ness of life. who knows. the tree is up and the lights have been hung, and the spirit cannot be found. perhaps it’s because of the void we feel. i certainly hate christmas shopping more than ever before, and realising that i will no longer be doing it with my mother anymore, makes it that little less appealing. our christmas season was always spent shopping together for everyone’s presents, christmas outfits, christmas feast, my decorating the tree and her watching and pointing at where i missed a spot. i even miss wrapping all the presents she would buy, which is something i grew to hate over the years. looking back, i realise just how much i did share with my mother, and i know how lucky i am that i had that. which makes it that little bit harder to know she’s no longer around.

what i want for christmas, more than anything else…. is for the tension to be dissolved. so many things were just blown out of proportion in the last week, and i can’t stand it. haven’t we all already lost so much? i know i have, and having to be in the middle of whatever this is makes me tired, frustrated and sad. sad that i managed to play a part in fracturing what is already a fragile dynamic. maybe it’s silly and childish to wish things as they were…. but they have to be better than what it has become.

*sigh*