Month: May 2007

we’re back…home and even more exhausted than what we were when we frst left. and all i did was be a mascot! emotional support shall we say. assistant to the executor’s executor.

by wednesday evening, after a lot of running around (by kuya and kuya jayvee) and some angry words from my darling somewhat distressed sister to the meralco man…we had electricity. mind you this was after a whole day of waiting for them to be turned on. sadly for my sister and myself who was bound and determined to stay there, wanting to clean the place and plant ourselves there for the remainder of the trip, the stinkin’ air con was not working. uh huh! 40 degree humidity and no air con! with a studio flat to clean! fun! i’ll spare you the details shall i? all i know is at 4am i shook my sister awake and begged for the window to be opened because i couldn’t breathe!

on our first day in the condo we were ushered out as fumigation started at 9am to 12pm… so what did we do my sister and i? spend the next three hours at the coolest place we could find in the whole complex… in the swimming pool of  course. therefore we paid the price hours later realising we were sunburnt. apparantly it was my fault! whatever ats!

the days that followed just blur into the other because more often than not we were going from place to place trying to get all the requirements done, and so on and so forth. on the saturday my ats and i went to visit navotas, where we grew up and even caught of the school we used to go to. sunday we had patricia annette’s baptism.

time passed so quickly, and there were many frustrating moments, especially in the last legs of the trip. signature requirements and what nots… but i think we’re almost all done. funds need to be transfered and last of the paperwork needs to be sent, after that, done. things with the solicitor here seems to be getting tied up to, which is a relief after so many months. with my ats and bro taking care of all the financial needs of the house i know that this is much needed. after all it has been six months.

on the saturday we were to leave, was a day of frenzy…at least after we woke up. packing needed to be done, last minute cleaning, family to see, etc. when we got back to the condo, i checked my oz phone, and there were several missed calls from a private number as well as numerous messages. i almost dropped the phone when i read it.

lana, a good friend of mine in london, and the only female flatmate i ever had there was killed tragically in a car crash in south africa early that morning. i looked at ate meanne who caught my expression and i could barely utter the words out. not another one. i couldn’t help but mumble to myself. quickly i collected myself. it was a full house and we were about to say our goodbyes and a melt down wasn’t appropriate. i swallowed hard and said our quick goodbyes to the family. in the lift i uttered the words to my sister and just stood there in shock. and in shock i stayed.

throughout the night, and the flight, memories with lana kept popping in. our talks in her room, and just hanging out. watching movies from my laptop, finding notes in my room from her, her and i cramped into our tiny bathroom colouring my hair. sitting in our kitchen sharing our frustrations for the day. after b left for south africa, she had made living in bembridge house bearable, and fun. shortly after i left to go home, so did she, and we have been in touch mainly through myspace, and randomnly i receive these quirky messages, and they never fail to make me laugh, as lana always knew how to do regardless how bad my day was going. it’s weird to say that i am going to miss her, after all i have been missing her all this time we have been apart, and the thought that i will never see her again, incomprehendable. i’ve never lost a friend through death before and as the fourth death in my sphere of world in the last 6 months, it’s not any easier. it feels like i haven’t even begun to fully mourn my mother and i here i am mourning one of my friends who was so young and full of life. so much loss in such a short period of time. how do you begin coping for something when you’re half way through coping something else, the most tragic event of your life? talk about fighting with multiple swords simultaneously.

recently i have felt that i haven’t been coping all that well. i find that i have very little control over my tears, and emotions in general and it frustrates me. i should be coping better. i should be getting somewhere by now. why isn’t it getting any better? what am i doing wrong? what am i not doing? everyone tells me that i can’t put a time on living through the worst moments of my life… i can’t help it. is it ever going to hurt less? will the void always be so great? will it get any easier?

lana’s memorial is in a couple of days, and how i wish i could be there… at the same time relieved that i can’t. if that at all makes any sense. i am praying for her and her whole family. for her friends, for our friends who i share the grief and loss with. lana steyn was a beautful person with an amazing enery with a laugh so contagious that you just wanted to hug her. i’ll miss you my friend. look my mom up, she’ll take care of you.

it’s tuesday night, or more accurately it is wednesday morning at 1:12am and we’re due to get up in a couple of hours to head over to manila, just as we did early this/yesterday morning. ahhh, the life!

we’re currently living in sta cruz with our cousins and aunt. it’s been a crazy few days, especially today and tomorrow i am forecasting but it’s been good. we arrived late saturday night and surprisingly the qantas flight to manila was a lot more uncomfortable than the PAL flights, but the points i earn from this trip more than enough to cover my flight to melbourne in june. hoorah for frequent flyer points!

kuya jayvee, ate koi, dae, ej and kuya chad came to pick us up from the airport where we proceeded to shakeys, as we did when we were with my mom when we went home last, the start of the sporadic bittersweet moments. we arrived late that night and it was no surprise that we pretty much crashed till mid morning the next day.

sunday, mother’s day was pretty much the day we wanted to write off and just sleep it away, but it was pretty low key for which we were grateful. after brunch we headed off to taytay falls in majayjay. where we went for a mild hike to the waterfalls where we went for a swim. let’s say that the water was refreshing! as in brrrrr! a little more than cold. but it was nice, as it is excruciatingly humid here. not hot water is not an issue at all as the cold water is coming out warm anyway. it was a great day with the kids, ej and dae who are extremely affectionate and inhibited. they’re very sweet and malambing,  always within easy reach of a hug. that or they just climb on your lap and chatter away, quietly and shyly at first but not for long.

monday was election day so we stayed home and our other cousins fromsan pablo came to visit. i got to meet my brand new niece patricia annette, nicknamed…. joan! go figure. she’s tiny but extremely adorable. it was great to see ate meanne again, and she looked so well for someone who gave birth only a couple of weeks ago. from the moment i walked into the roomate meanne had passed lil’ joan to me, and we got to bond. i was well touched that she trusted me to hold her when she was so little… then again so did kaye with xander when he was only days old. ate meh chuckled when i told her than lil xac and lil’ joan were born only days apart.  lil’ joan slept in my arms pretty much all day, tito art and i alternated. she’s so cute, she snuggled loads and she was just very sweet. got to catch up with my cousins and ate meh. kuya peejay was trying to enlist me to babysit lil’ joan whilst he and ate meanne do something together…let’s just say there was no hesitation in letting me change her nappy. hehe!

mela stayed on sunday night so it was nice to spend time with her. it was also good to see art and ems. art and i have already started making plans for a night out, well more him planning and me co-ordinating a free night.

today we woke at 4am to be on the road by 5am to manila to beat the peak hour traffic.  we were at the condo by 6:30am. the moment i stepped out of the car my stomach churned and i tried hard to fight back the tears. i knew it was going to be hard and it was. i found myself wandering along aimlessly in the actual apartment as though i was seeking my mother’s essence from the room, as though it remained from when she was there last.

seeing tita rory was always going to be difficult, especially since she was so close to my mom. when she saw us through the door, you could almost see the deep breath she took trying to hold the tears in. she succeeded for awhile, but not for long. i on the other hand, chose the time to cry whilst we were at lunch… nice one! but it couldn’t be helped, i was surprised i had held out that long. there was a long silence at the table as i cried, as we all did. today is the first day we’ve actually addressed that she’s gone. for days it has almost been that elephant in the room. it’s something we all know, but everyone tried hard not to pick the scab so we spoke and walked around it. which worked, for awhile!

we had dinner with the oconer’s tonight, and it was good to see everyone, sol especially who wasn’t there last year as she was in the states.

tomorrow, or shall we say in a couple of hours we’re headed to manila to handle my mom’s insurance benefits and meet up with our other cousins in the evening. at some point maybe sleep… in the car!

anyways, i better go as it’s almost 3am and my brains all mushy! hope all is well with everyone. take care!

well it’s that time we knew would come and we never really wanted it to come around, because it would make things even more real than it already it… we’re on our way to the phils to sort out my mom’s estate there. just another tick to the countless of boxes that needs to be addressed, getting to the end of the list makes it somewhat bittersweet. finally everything will be sorted, but at the same time it gives a finality i know we are all far from being ready to accept.

this whole week has been a little rougher than the usual. with the anniversary and with tito gading’s funeral.

we attended his viewing on wednesday night and that was an experience my sister and i were so not looking forward to and in all honesty dreaded like a plague. but we went. we had to. it was the right thing to do, and we wanted to be there for kuya noel, who before he got married was such a huge part of our family. to say it was like a bad de ja vue would be an understatement. my mom’s viewing and tito gading’s viewing and the events surrounding it began to blend into one another from the moment go. my ate and i stood at the back holding back tears (which she succeeded far better than i did) and fighting back the gut wrenching feeling that has become somewhat familiar. there were people there who obviously knew who we were and the events that had surounded our recent life. the sad glances and sympathetic knowing looks brought a feeling of wanting to crawl out of one’s skin.

i get a feeling that this trip is going to be reliving the worst moments of our lives all over again. mourning all over again. i know that my sister and i are not looking forward to it at all. we’re scared of popping off the cap that we believe we’re closed, because at the other side of that is a whole lot of emotions we both know we haven’t dealt with. we have all been trying so hard to keep each other afloat, the very best that we can, and i certainly feel that it is not going to take very much for us to break. those who know us well, and who have traveled this road with us are aware of this, we can see it in their eyes, the constant worried glances that they try so hard not to show, for the words unspoken, and the words that are carefully formed.

sunday is mother’s day, by some blessing we are not here in sydney, where we would inevitably feel the void. though we would feel the void regardless geography, not being in sydney and in her house, we can almost pretend that the day does not exist. how do you celebrate a day that no longer exists for you? how do you co-exist with those who still can when watching tears at your soul?

yesterday as i stood over my mother’s grave, it was like all the other times before…no words could be formed, no thoughts could be completed, just tears. what can i say, i am my mother’s daughter and crying at a drop of the hat comes way too easily.

the last few months, have been hard, but if i were to choose a word to describe it that word i would use would be EXHAUSTING. we are all running on broken sleep if any sleep at all, haunted thoughts, and a sense of emptiness.

i am grateful that we are surounded by our cousins who without fail check in regularly, not so much for conversation but the comfort that they are on the other side of the phone, just wanting to hear your voice. they’ve certainly become our pillars and reassuring support.

to both my aunts, happy mother’s day. occasions this year is touch, it’s the first without her. on behalf of my siblings and i, we thank you for your undeniable presence in my life. who from the moment go you immediately adopted us as your own, regardless how old we are and more than you already have in all the years we’ve grown up. i know you have always looked at us as your own, just as my mom had with your own kids, it’s that amazing bond i guess that comes with sisters/siblings…but we totally feel how true that is now if we had any doubts before.

tita pat, i have no words. you have totally taken over taking care of us, and i cannot express how much i appreciate all that you do for us, for your unfailing love and support. for trying so hard to make her absence not so noticeable by doing all the things she would be doing if she was around. for being there to listen… for just being there. for loving us the way you do. i know it’s been an extra tough year for you, but know that we are all here for you too!

aunty esty, there is no doubt in any of our minds how you love us so, and how much you loved and continue to love our mother. we are grateful that despite the distance, you never let your love and support not be felt. you’re ready to jump to our rescue all the time, and for us that means more than words can express. i know you want to be able to comfort us more than you think you already are, but you are aunty esty, you may not be here, but your love is felt all those miles in between.

on behalf of the napiza children, from the oldest to the cutest errrr i mean youngest… happy mother’s day to you both. the absence of our mother is a void that will always be painful for all of us, but your presence in our live, your abundant love and grace for us makes a little of that pain a little easier to bear. thank you for loving us as your own… for all that you do and all that you are to us. we love you!  

where do i begin???

as everyone pretty much knows, my poor lil’ saatchi (car) suffered a lil’ bruising last weekend, which gave me a lil’ scare. it was bad enough to be in my first accident, but to have had it in my mom’s car, was even worse. i felt so bad that i had crashed her car.  but he now has new tyres and will undergo a re-construction surgery of his front left fender whilst i am away in phils!

speaking of which… that is this saturday! the sibs and i are off to the phils for two weeks to sort out my mom’s estate in manila. it should be a fairly emotional and highly tense two weeks ahead… i can’t wait! *note sarcasm*

news: my friend kaye aka kaychoy bakchoy has given birth to a beautiful little man named Xander Christian. sooo cute. lil’ XaC was born on the 25th april… ANZAC baby!

also my ate meanne give birth to Patricia Annette on the 23rd

babies babies babies! not to mention a good handful (or two) of my friends are preggie! year of the babies! how exciting!

ann and i went to visit kaye on monday for her birthday, and got to meet lil’ XaC…he was so tiny and sooo cute.

on friday my weekend of fun with my Posse began. the morning was spent at the RTA taking my Green P exam. which i passed! woo hooo! i can now LEGALLY drive 100kph. haha!

that afternoon the banans came to pick me up and begin our journey to our hotel apartment. we were filled with excitement, anticipation, and eagerness that not even the overheated car and bad directions from the hotel could dampen the spirit, till…

we got to OAKS Hyde Park, and without warning, or apologies we were told that the 2 bedroom apartment we had booked months ago was no longer available, and that not only were we not getting a two bedroom apartment, we were getting two seperate rooms on different floors. now if the guy even had an ounce of remorse, he surely hid it well, along with his customer service skills! so we reluctantly checked into the two apartments, in two separate floors and was disgusted at the state in which they were in. they were worse than motel F1 if that gives anyone an idea of what it was like. not only was it old, decapitated, and gross… it was filthy and nothing worked. just being in the room made me itch and i was not happy! to the extent that i played the ‘bunso’ (youngest) card and called ate jes and complained! who immediately called the hotel and demanded refund as it was not the room she had booked for us…. 10 minutes after her phone call we checked out. i went next door to the marriott and booked us a room. from the moment i walked in, i loved those guys! they were super helpful, to the point that one of the guys, Tim… walked over to the flea infested hotel next door to pick up my preggy friend Mer and all of our luggage.

when Tim opened the door to our room Mer and i hugged excitedly as though it was christmas morning. the room was so nice (in general and definitely in comparison to the dog house we just left) we called the others quite excited and told them to hurry over from work and what not.

we walked to Oxford Street for dinner and ended up at a Spanish restaurant and Gloria Jeans for coffee, where my cousin Cynt came to hang with us a girlies for awhile.  mind you she was a little disgusted that it was 10 o’clock on a friday night and here we were winding down at gloria jeans. haha!

after ramir came to pick val and mootz-batutz, the four of us… Mer, Ann, Jes and i explored the hotel. checked out the so called heated pool (not quite heated) the jacuzzi, the steam room and sauna before getting ready for bed. by midnight we were sprawled around our respective beds and chatting till we fell asleep. ann and jes we’re very good saturday morning and went on a long walk to and around hyde park, whilst mer and i enjoyed our sleep in before meeting up with the girls for brunch downstairs.

both ann and i had a wedding this weekend around the city so after brunch we got ready. by 2ish we were both outta there and at our own weddings to attend to. mer and jes did a little shopping whilst they waited around for us. by 10 we were all back in the hotel, where we chatted some more and watched dvd’s till we all passed out. we had a quick brunch sunday morning before going to church, and hearing the banans preach.

it was a pretty chilled out weekend which is what we were all aiming for. it’s funny to think that we would rent out a hotel in the city just to chill, but it was a very much needed mini holiday for all of us, and one that we all enjoyed. as ann pointed out, we were the only friends we can do what we did this weekend with so comfortably. we’ve all been away together before, many many times and we’re known each other forever, that it’s home. i love that! through the years, through time apart, we can get back to this… it affirms that some things are meant to last.

the last few months have been such a struggle for me, more so than i openly admitted till now that familiarity brings me much comfort. my family, my friends. people who have remained in my life, despite circumstance and geography.

ann, jes, mer & val – thanks for the weekend, and for your constant presence.

ann – our ability to co-exist and have such intertwined lives always amazes me and brings me such comfort.

jes – no words are necessary! you’re my sis, in every possible way!

mer – i love that i have become such a permanent fixture in your house at least once a week…to an extent where your hubby looks for me when i’m not there.

val – bru! my afternoons would sooo not be the same without our daily catch up sessions. how fun are they!

fun moments of this weekend, and the hysterical laughter…well the laughter after the immense frustration from Oaks…. are memories that i know we will all take with us for the rest of our lives. we’ve been through so much, and i know that my life is more than blessed by having you guys around me, in my immediate world, ready to catch me when i fall. thanks for the ear and for the understanding, when at times even i cannot discern what is going on within me.

I’ve heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you

i used this song on the dvd, because when i first heard it i thought of all that we have been through together, and it rings true! so thank you!

on a sad note, an uncle has passed away, and though i did not know him well, i knew his son well, for he lived with us for many years and in those years he was adopted as a brother. an annoying brother, but a brother. i knew it would be difficult to go to the novena prayers, and i was right. so much brought back those first nights after mom passed away, the novena payers we did for her on the days that followed after her death. more often than not it was hard to distinguish between those first nights to last nights novena prayers. each moment was like a teleport transfer back to those first days. where we would go through each page of that novena, sing those songs, and each time it would hit hard just what we had lost, and how much we were losing from our every day life. last night, or in all honesty the last week, with the car crash and all it was like losing my mom all over again. it’s dumb i know, as it is only a car, but it was my mom’s car. it’s a piece of her.

on friday it will be five months. it’s hard to believe that it’s already may and we have endured life for this long without her. i often wonder if that emptiness will ever stop filling like an endless void, as her absence plagues me more than i care to admit. i do feel like i have lost control and at times only grasping at straws…but i’m not alone. i know that there are a few of us in our own purgatory. there are so many things, every day things that i realise i share with my mom and whenever something creeps up there is that desire to tell her, only to remember she isn’t there anymore. that she will never be there anymore. that i will never come home again with her waiting for me at the kitchen counter. the word envy creeps to mind when i see my friends with their mom’s, moments i will never again share with my mom.

i have officially defered from Uni for the rest of the year, and though it has not been my proudest moment admitting defeat, it was necessary. my heart is no longer in it. at least for this season of my life. there was no point in continuing and failing.  one day i hope to once again pick up that flat pack of my dreams, until then there are other dreams in my heart that i want to pursue, and whilst i’m working on the logistics of that, i will remain at my current work place…. happy happy joy joy happy happy joy!

i feel the last five months of my life has been a job season. but as job did, i know i will come through from this. we all will!

sadly last night, my poor lil’ saatchi was injured. saatchi, for those who have not yet been formally introduced is my recently inherited car from my mom. to say i was distraught would be an understatement. first accidents are always going to be upsetting and somewhat traumatic, but injuring saatchi, with all of the sentiments attached to him was horrible. it sucked.

i was driving home from work, and i was waiting to change lanes into a really busy highway. a massive truck was speeding along on the lane i wanted to merge to, so i waited, but truck was going so fast (as if i’d ever race him to cut into his lane, helloooooo!!! him big, me little) got into my lane so i swerved hitting the side rails of the highway. not fun! me ok, sacchi a little more than bruised. his fender on the left is really bad, and whilst driving home his tyre gave way.

so now saatchi is at the smash repairs awaiting her new wheels… what a month and a half!