…a brief glance…

today would have been my mom’s 64th birthday, had she still been around, we would more thank likely spend this evening at her her favourite local restaurant… the ever faithful bongiorno’s or for a change, chans tea house, our home away from home. as per usual, she would insist that no big deal be made, as it would yet just be another day, whilst on the inside, she wanted the works.

last year on the way home from work i bought her a bunch of flowers, and for the first time she didn’t scold me for buying her something so tangible, when i could have picked them from her garden. i don’t remember where we went last year, bongiorno’s more than likely, but i remember coming home and she was excited about the dress we had bought for her birthday, she wanted to try them on and take pictures with them. we laughed as she posed for her photos in her infamous formal lounge. i remember feeling bad that we hadn’t taken photos at her dinner, but though i had my camera with me, there didn’t seem to be a time to take them. if only…

if only i had known that it was to be her last, i would have used up all the memory of my camera trying to capture those last moments, if only…

recently i was sick in bed, and whilst i was watching dvd’s from my flu infested cocoon, it occured to me for an alarming moment that i had forgotten what it was like to hear my mom’s footsteps throughout the house. to sense her presence in the room. it made me sad, and panicked, had i forgotten her? have i allowed life to move on without her. the thoughts that i’m sure were assisted by panadeine sent me to a state of panic. i know that life is supposed to go on, and i’m not supposed to feel guilty about it, but a part of me does. i don’t ever want to be complacent about not having her around. though i know that changes nothing. even tha smell of her in her room is beginning to fade.

the three of us siblings have found comfort in our busy schedules and crazy chaotic lifestyles, little by little we are moving on, but i question if we’re healing, or just avoiding the elephant in the room. more often than not i meet with my demons of december 11, which is always paniful, at the same time i don’t want to be numb to them.

tomorrow we’re celebrating her birthday, her friends from forest lawn are coming over to lead prayer novena, whilst her immediate family and closest friends gather in memory. admittedly i am not looking forward to the novena as it will bring back those first few nights of vigil. the mere thought of being transported to those first few days frighten me. as december 11 approaches, i can’t help but dread it. i am petrified to relieve those moments again and again, and i know i will two months from now. more than i already do.

i’m torn between not wanting to be in this house that night to not being able to leave the house for the very same reason. has it really been 10 months?

i know where my mom is, and i know she’s watching over us. often i wonder if she misses us, if she’s proud of us. does she see our struggle to just put one foot in front of the other.

miss you mom. happy birthday. love you!