Greetings from LONDON! I’m finally here. After so many years of planning and what not, here I am. I would love to say that I am instantly in love with the place and that I’m all excited, but… I’m HOMESICK. I miss my family! It dawned on me as I boarded the plane in the Philippines that I wasn’t headed for home as I would normally be after such a trip. Instead I was going to an unknown country where I know no one. I FREAKED OUT. When we got to Bangkok for refuelling, all I wanted to do was jump on the plane headed for home. At the age of 25, I never wanted my MOMMY more. After a long and crowded flight to Frankfurt, my nerves did not ease and the urge to burst into tears every 2 seconds stayed. When I finally arrived in London and was in one of those cool Black Cabs, I felt a little excited. Much to my relief the dorm room was clean and secure enough. However the dawning of ALONE-ness remained and once again the tears began. Talking to my At’s for ages made me feel a little better, but I couldn’t shake my homesick-ness. My sis was quick to point out that I was still jet lagged, and that my emotions still on a rollercoaster because of the chaotic four weeks in the Philippines. I promised to head to bed early in hope to sleep off this mood.
Speaking to my sis early the next morning, I sounded a little better and I had a day planned. EXPLORE, that will surely snap me out of my FUNK. So I visited the awesome St Paul’s Cathedral, and rode the red bus. I would love to say that it made me feel better, it did, but only a little. Mostly I wished that my family were with me as I checked out the cool sceneries. After a few hours I had finally had enough and headed for home. What’s to be my home for the next 3 weeks.
Tired of moping around, not exactly knowing what to do next I decided to walk around the vicinity of the dorm rooms, in hope to find a job. Like it was ever going to be that simple…I walked around, got a few numbers, and at one of my last stops I struck it lucky. Though there were no positions available in that company, I met a lady who was incredibly nice and was nice enough to talk me through a few options. She gave me a few names, and she even called a couple of agencies to ask them for procedures on my behalf. For the first time since I arrived, I thought I was making some headway in my inward battle of being homesick.
I talked to my sis and told her about my discovery for the day, and agreed that it was a good thing. I still felt homesick, and the tears came again while we talked, but I felt better after hanging up the phone. Slowly I am learning to take each day as it comes. That as scary as this is, I can get through it. That as much as I would like to head for home now, I know deep down I’m not ready to go.
That night when my Mom called me, I could speak to her without bursting into tears, which was a biggie!
I knew this was going to be a challenge, I just under-estimated the emotional challenge. I realise just how much I am reliant to those I love. Not just for practical stuff, but for emotional stuff. I miss my sis, mom, and bro’s hugs. I miss being able to hug them and jump all over them, as a youngest always does.
I wanted a place with no safety nets, and I got it. Though I have to say without my sister as my lifeline via phone, I would be on a plane back right now…well maybe not, but it sure is tempting at times.
I know once job security is on hand, a place to stay is definite, and I’ve made a few friends, it will be easier. At this point, each day is getting easier. All I can do is take in one day at a time.
Ann pointed out the reason why I am in such a loss is because I am such a PLANNER, and I have set out in my mind how it should be, and because it isn’t. I’m finding it difficult. It’s true. I assumed because I have wanted this for so long, that I would be excited, and when I wasn’t, I fell apart. I hate that I am not as excited as I wanted to be. That I’m scared more that I am excited.
But only time will tell. I have a committment with myself to stick it out till at least November. Till I have to be home for Mer’s wedding. To give myself those four months to really give it my best shot, and decide from there what to do. Until then I am just praying to survive each day without bursting into tears. It’s disappointing that I am this emotional about it, and that it’s taking ages to shake off, but I guess once I settle down in my own time, I’ll be able to look at this in a more non-emotional kind of way. Hopefully a week from now I can chuckle at my SAD entry.
Must go, look for jobs and accomodation, make new friends. =) I hope everyone is well. You’re all often in my thoughts. I miss you all very much.
Love Much
Lis/Cookster