…a brief glance…

To say that the last couple of days has been somewhat tough would be an understatement. This week has been the toughest yet, not counting the week of the accident. Perhaps it’s because things have died down. No more novena, the funeral has come and gone, everyone has returned to their respectable homes, Christmas and New Year was endured, and now pretty much routine has been revived. I guess that was the most painful realisation of all, going back to old routines without the basic ingredient. How weird it was to be dropped off and picked up from the station by someone else other than my Mom. When it hit me that she was no longer an option to call for a ride home, I found myself in that ‘Oh my gosh I’m going to lose it’ phase. It doesn’t help that my train passes the very hospital in which she died. From the train you can see right through to the Emergency driveway, which inevitably pulls me back to that night, to that ambulance ride.

I wish I could say the visions of that day were no longer haunting me, but they are. How do you erase the worst moments of your life? The thing is, you can’t. You can only pray for the strength that God has equipped you with to endure the loss you have suffered, to try with all your might to take one foot and put it in front of the other. We all have our demons from that night, from that Sunday that will forever haunt us. They differ, but are all equally devastating. We all have images in our head that plays over and over again, some bring us comfort, while others are so painful that you don’t realise that you are holding your breath when you play them in your mind.

You try to put into words what you feel, and all you can come up with is blank. You try your hardest to thank those who offer their condolences, and you try with all you have to just survive their commiserating. Though you know they mean well, their condolences and sympathies transport you to a place that hurts so much you can’t breathe. So you do your best to nod and acknowledge because you appreciate their sentiment, and you walk away wishing someone would stop ripping the temporary band aid you keep putting on your heart.

You look back and you realise how intricately it had all fallen to place. The events to happen as they did.

I am grateful for the fact that I had those last few days with her. The impromptu meet at the mall which we hadn’t done for so long, how she had looped her arm through mine as we wandered around aimlessly at the mall, as I had noted that very night that she hadn’t done in quite awhile. Our dinners together for the next two nights at home, just the two us, talking and joking around. For the amazing opportunity to have her come with me to church, and watch the Christmas Spectacular and Carols, and how she loved Christmas Carols. How for the first time, she fell asleep while I drove her car. I remember thinking on the way there that the only time I will know that my Mom would feel incredibly comfortable with me driving, and me driving her car is the day she falls asleep as I drive. That evening, on the way to home, she was fast asleep.

Her last moments were filled with laughter. We were doing what she loved the most. Getting ready for Christmas, she was happy, and she was content. We all have our own regrets, of things never done, and things never said, things we can never take back, but everything that happened, as they happened, happened for a reason, and they happened just as they were meant to. As I said before, we all have our own demons to fight, images in our heads we can’t erase, time we wish to do over, but at the end of the day what is important is that she died peacefully, the way she has always wished to. I know in my heart that she would not have gone if she did not think we could cope. To her, in her heart she believed we would be ready, as ready as we would ever be to lose the Mother who loved us much. She loved us so abundantly that when she was gone, that love is what bound those she left behind together. Without that, we would not survive.

I want nothing more than to turn back the hand of time, and have my mother back. To have her nag and frustrate me, if it meant she would be here. To hear my every whine as I walked in from work, for all the little things she did to make this house our home. The little things we took for granted. But how selfish would that be, knowing that she is at rest, at peace, and without pain. How could any other place compare to heaven?

I am grateful for the abundant grace that God is equipping our family, I know in time, we will all heal. My mother will never be forgotten, and there will forever be a void in our life, but in time the excruciating pain will be replaced with one not so paralysing. That we can remember with fondness without the sadness.

Life is bittersweet… my mother is in heaven, finally at peace… and we are here mourning for our loss.

Current Theme Song: Warrior is a Child

Lately I’ve been winning battles left and right

But even winners can get wounded in the fight

People say that I’m amazing

Strong beyond my years

But they don’t see inside of me I’m hiding all the tears

(Chorus)

They don’t know that I go running home when I fall down

They don’t know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and cry for just a while

‘Cause deep inside this armour

The warrior is a child

Unafraid because his armour is the best

But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest

People say that I’m amazing

I never face retreat

But they don’t see the enemies

That lay me at His feet

(Chorus)
They don’t know that I go running home when I fall down
They don’t know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
‘Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

I drop my sword and look up for His smile

Because deep inside this armour

Deep inside this armour

Deep inside this armour

The Warrior is a Child