Month: December 2006

…merry christmas!

it’s christmas eve and i’m here at my sister’s awaiting christmas celebrations. it’s weird a couple of weeks ago i thought this christmas would be a reflection on last christmas, where i was and how different it was. well it seems it is different this year, i just never thought it would be different because my mom is gone.

the last couple of weeks have been filled with chaos, funeral arrangements, family coming over from the States, keeping it all together, having the novenas every night for 9 evenings, etc. now with the funeral over, the nightly evening prayer/novenas finished, and relatives back in their respective homes, we are forced to face the rest of our lives. the rest of our lives without my mom.

i find myself fading in and out, some days it’s easy to slip into thinking that it never happened, that she will walk into the house in her usual glory, but every time i look out on the porch, i know better. the littlest things trigger memories, and regardless how hard one tries to think of anything else, it always comes back to the fact that she’s gone.

the other day as we tried to get all of our christmas shopping done, i found myself all teary eyed as i realised that i will never again walk that mall with my mom. i realised just how much christmas it wrapped up in her and the traditions that seemed to have built themselves over the years. shopping for presents for everyone together. trying on clothes, picking out my christmas outfit which would be her christmas present for me. going home and wrapping all of the presents she bought for everyone else because it was my job. sitting in the kitchen as she prepared the christmas feast. more often than not i would be obliged to chop vegetables and wrap hundreds of spring rolls. we would often joke about how frustrating it is that it takes us so long to prepare and wrap and it only takes seconds for people to devour. despite that, she loved it. she loved preparing the meals that would bring us all together after midnight mass. i can’t believe she’s not here this year. my first year back from being away. my first christmas back in sydney, and now it’s my first christmas without her.

it’s bound to get easier, and this i know. god’s grace has been abundant, and i am grateful for much.

i am grateful that she did not suffer, and she passed peacefully as she would have wished.

i am grateful for my brother and my sister and the bond that not only exists but strenghtened during the last couple of weeks.

i am grateful for my aunts, my mom’s sisters who have rallied around us providing comfort, grieving along side us for a person they have loved for far longer than we have.

i am grateful for my cousins who from the moment we were at the hospital have not left our sides, who have become our own personal bodyguards, assisting with our every needs and making sure that if someone was to upset us they would be there to jump in front to take the bullet. my cousins who have been like my own personal crutch, quick to jump to my aid when i most need it. for their love and support. for their shoulder and unlimited supply of dry clothes as i inevitably wet them with my tears. for the endless hugs that continue to keep coming spontenaeously.

i am grateful to my sister in law (ha!) for being my stitch and providing the strength when we needed it the most. for being with us all the way.

i am grateful for my cousins’ spouses who have been nothing less than like my own cousins.

i am grateful for my mom’s best friends who have been there with us. for my godmother for flying over to be with us and attend her funeral. i know it would have meant the world to my mom that she held her end of the bargain. that she was there to provide much laughter. for my sister’s godmother who has been like a mother to us all for as i can remember. for all that she did for my mom, and for all that she continues to do for us. for her love and support, without it would have left us more lost.

i am grateful for my friends. my posse who grieve alongside me for the mom that we all grew up knowing. the mom who cooked for us, and often chuckled as the four of us were together so frequently. my posse who i have grown up with. for their support, and for setting up our house after the funeral while our family wasn’t there. for being there to greet everyone on our behalf whilst we weren’t there.

i am grateful for the friends whom i can only describe as extended family in london, who despite the distance have been with me every step of the way. who have gone above and beyond to comfort and to bring a smile to my face. they totally rock!

there is much to be grateful for and god has blessed us with an amazing support system. i know that time will lessen the void that is haunting each of us. for the time being we can only take each day as it comes, and as hard as it is, we just need to keep moving forward.

Sonia Napiza

9th October 1943 – 11th December 2006

I am the youngest of Sonia’s children, and I am admittedly Mommy’s girl. From the time I was born to the day she died, and probably the rest of my life.

My Mom is the person that has played the biggest significance in making me who I am. If there is one thing that stands out the most about my Mom, it is her strength. My Mom is the strongest person I know, and it is through her strength, that we, her children, her family, and her friends draw from. No matter what the circumstance, my Mother faced it like a soldier, head on.

My Mom taught us the importance of family, and how above all else, sticking together is what was going to get us through the toughest of storms, and we have been challenged with quite a few storms. From as far as I can remember, there was the four of us. My Mom, my brother, my sister, and myself, beginning to the end of each storm we survived it somehow, together.

It’s easy to take for granted a Mom who’s always there, a Mom who selflessly gave to her children, who answered each request before it was even asked…when I was in London, money would mysteriously appear in my bank account during the times when I needed them most, without asking.

On Christmas’ and Birthdays that I was absent for, there was always a care package full of goodies from home that she knew would tide me over in my homesickness. When I had decided to go to London, she was supportive, when I arrived there and I was immediately homesick, she was on the phone with me every day till I was okay. She told me that she was proud of me that I had taken such a brave step, that she believed that I could do it, that I was strong. What she never realized was that that strength came from her. I knew how hard it was for her to have to sit with me every day as I cried, but she was willing to release me because she knew it was something that I had always wanted to do, and needed to do.

My Mother showed her love by the things that she did for people. From cooking our favourite meals, to buying what she knew we liked, to changing our sheets if we’ve been too busy to do it ourselves. To her friends she offered nothing less that her full attention. My Mom’s thoughtfulness and care for her friends is one that is admirable. Once you are my Mother’s friend, you’re her friend for life. Most of you who sit before me know this first hand.

My Mom was blessed with a servants heart. She approached each circumstance with the heart attitude of a servant. She served us as our Mother, available for every thing we could need and so much more, she serves my Grandmother in taking care of her, she is a faithful sister and loving cousin, and equally important to all those points, my Mother is an amazing friend. She is there for her friends wholeheartedly. In all of my growing up, I have watched the strong friendships that she was embraced by and admired the strong bonds she shared with those she considered her best friends. I realize now that such friendships were formed with time and endurance, such friendships should never be taken for granted, or lightly. For these friendships, were for a lifetime.

There are so many lessons that my Mom has instilled upon us, and to list them all would not even begin to do her justice, for she was far more than her deeds. My mother’s laugh was contagious, especially when she was in a silly mood. She came up with unexpected on liner’s that often surprised but amused us. My mother was known for her blooper moments, and I will miss that. I will miss coming home and she will be in the kitchen preparing dinner or cutting up fruit, and she’d share a funny moment with me. The four of us often had our private jokes, the topic almost always the same, and it was ours.

My mother was far from perfect, and we are no where near the perfect children she deserved, but we are all what each other had and we made the best of that. Our mother loved us enough that it was more than okay that all we had was her for most my life. We lacked for nothing.

My favourite moments with my Mom are many, but those closest to my heart are those I spent with her in her last few days. The sound of her laughter as we got ready for Christmas is one that will comfort and haunt me for the rest of my days.

I will miss my Mom more than words can possibly express, but I know in my heart that she’s in peace. I am comforted in knowing that there will be no more sadness in her life, that there will be no more disappointment, that she is at a happier place.

I know you’re tired Mommy, and it’s okay…we’re going to be okay.