so another sleepless night. which in all honesty is not at all uncommon these days. but what can you do. these last couple of weeks have been tough. for all the obvious reasons. my closest friends can atest to my emotional turmoil, as they have pretty much had to deal the brunt of it all. gotta love that about friend’s who’ve known you forever. they, who recognise the deeper part of the ‘unreasonable’. without judgement, without question. so thank you. you know who you are.<\/p>\n
this weekend was tough. it was busy with gatherings and events, but the sense of sadness and loss plagued every minute. as each moment there was an opportunity to say, exactly this time last year…. it’s one of those self inflicting torture one inflicts on one’s self when one is sadistic. it’s like the sore you have that you can’t help but poke poke poke.<\/p>\n
we had\u00c2\u00a0a gathering at my Ats house\u00c2\u00a0on\u00c2\u00a0sunday, which perhaps on hindsight on her behalf was great… as i didn’t\u00c2\u00a0have to relieve\u00c2\u00a0the whole thing in my head at home. but\u00c2\u00a0who was i kidding. who were we all kidding. as much fun as it was to be hanging out at the new house,\u00c2\u00a0there was a sense of escapism we were all seeking. which would explain why it was a little\u00c2\u00a0hard\u00c2\u00a0to go\u00c2\u00a0home that evening.<\/p>\n
yesterday was the official\u00c2\u00a0anniversary date of the accident. my sister and i took the road most traveled of retail theraphy in hopes of providing distraction…which was futile, as we both knew what it was we were doing, and what is was we were running from.<\/p>\n
putting the lights up took awhile to jumpstart.\u00c2\u00a0plain\u00c2\u00a0and simple, it sucked.\u00c2\u00a0seeing as i remember so vividly the year before. the laughing and the\u00c2\u00a0tragic events that followed.<\/p>\n
5:53am – this time last year my sister and sat by my mother’s bedside at the hospital clinging\u00c2\u00a0to her physically for we knew the inevtaible was moments away. i remember how each breath she took, we held our own\u00c2\u00a0breaths, wondering if that were the last\u00c2\u00a0one\u00c2\u00a0she was\u00c2\u00a0going to take. i remember looking at my sister as though i was asking her, begging her to tell me that ‘that moment’ we were having wasn’t real. that it was a dream. that she was going to\u00c2\u00a0pull through, that we spent the whole night in the hospital but everything was going to be okay. but as i looked at her, her face mirrored the raging need for postive affirmation that everything was going to be fine. even if we both knew it wasn’t, and will never be again. after all that is our mother.<\/p>\n
6:01- this time last year, my mother\u00c2\u00a0took her last\u00c2\u00a0breath.\u00c2\u00a0our whole world\u00c2\u00a0shifted, if not fell\u00c2\u00a0apart.<\/p>\n
i vaguely remember the hours that passed after. which in hindsight is a good thing. i remember\u00c2\u00a0looking at my sister horrified. then having my brother walk in\u00c2\u00a0only moments after, just missing her. the guilt that i\u00c2\u00a0felt that we sent him\u00c2\u00a0home depriving him of those last few hours with her. having to tell tita pat. i remember placing my head beside hers and just hugging her so tight, even though i knew she was already\u00c2\u00a0gone, as though my holding on to her\u00c2\u00a0so tightly would bring her back. but it didn’t. i remember\u00c2\u00a0the sun was just coming up. i remember every single person in our immediate family standing in that hospital room for hours, in our\u00c2\u00a0own way, saying our goodbyes to the\u00c2\u00a0whatever remnants of my mother lingered in that cold room. i remember the nurse finally coming in to tell us that someone was coming in to take her away. i remember the panic and rage and sense of loss overtaking me, and\u00c2\u00a0i\u00c2\u00a0remember the distinct howl that left my mouth. it just couldn’t be… but it was. i watched from the foot of the bed as each of my cousins said their goodbyes.\u00c2\u00a0watching tita pat say goobye to her was probably as\u00c2\u00a0hard as having to say goodbye to her. when they were done, the three of us looked at each other not wanting to go first. i\u00c2\u00a0guess the quicker we did it, the quicker it would be over and we weren’t ready for that. but\u00c2\u00a0it was time, and we had to. ate went first,\u00c2\u00a0and i followed. it seemed important to let kuya be the last one to asy goodbye, maybe because he wasn’t there for the last few, who knows. all i remember is not wanting to let\u00c2\u00a0go, and practically having to be\u00c2\u00a0pried away from her despite the fact that i knew\u00c2\u00a0she wasn’t really there\u00c2\u00a0anymore. my brother led us out of there, and as a unit, we walked away from her room knowing that would follow were going to knock as off our feet. more than it already had.<\/p>\n
\u00c2\u00a0the days that\u00c2\u00a0followed were as blurry as those first hours. snippits of it come and go in my memory. for the most part i don’t want to forget, at the same time, i would love\u00c2\u00a0to.<\/p>\n
a year on, and as\u00c2\u00a0hard as things are at times, we’re\u00c2\u00a0getting there. we\u00c2\u00a0got through the first of everything that she missed. birthdays,\u00c2\u00a0moments, etc. to say that i miss her daily would be an understatement. there’s not a day that passes that i don’t feel the\u00c2\u00a0loss of my mother, and how there is an irreplaceable void in my life that i cannot\u00c2\u00a0fathom. but as we have begun to move on and perhaps even heal, we need to keep\u00c2\u00a0moving forward. we owe her that.<\/p>\n
today we’re going to the cemetary, then on to berrima,\u00c2\u00a0then prepare for tonight’s gathering. it’s going to be one of those\u00c2\u00a0nights… \u00c2\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
so another sleepless night. which in all honesty is not at all uncommon these days. but what can you do. these last couple of weeks have been tough. for all the obvious reasons. my closest friends can atest to my emotional turmoil, as they have pretty much had to deal the brunt of it all. … <\/p>\n