…a brief glance…

so mom’s birthday came and went. we had the immediate family over for dinner, as well as her friends from forest lawn, whom i have to say, i am grateful for their dedication, as about 12 of them showed up at our doorstep, food on hand to hold a prayer for my mom. seeing as friends of my mom who i thought should have been there, did not even show up.

prayer part was hard… for a moment it was like we were transported back to those first few days after she passed away. by some blessing in disguise they did not have the ‘usual’ novena sheets, therefore we were spared from ‘come holy spirit…’, not to mention ‘hindi kita malilimutan’ which one must admit, i was more than grateful for.

things for all of us are in a way settling down. the property in the phils is now under our name, and i’d hate to jinx it, but we may even be making some headway to the probate, seeing as a whole year later and nothing has yet happened.

dec 11 is fast approaching, and i have already put my leave application in for the 10th and 11th, as i can forsee that i will be a blubbering mess. i think the three of us siblings will be off for those couple of days. the thing is, the 10th is a harder day for me than the 11th. perhaps it was because the horror started on the 10th for me, that by the 11th, we were all so worn out, that i switched to auto pilot as soon as we arrived back home from the hospital. i remember how cold the house seemed that morning when we walked through the door. my siblings and i seemingly lost, as though we were walking into the house for the first time. seeing everything as it wa left the night before, though kuya, ate lei and kuya jamie had done their best with the front porch, the remnants of what we were doing before we began hanging the christmas lights remained exposed. dinner from the night before still in it’s pan, the oven was opened, dishes in the sink. it was like our whole life was put on pause, and walking through that front door again, and refraining from staring at the place it happened, was like pushing the play button again.

it’s hard to believe that a year is only around the corner. have we really survived the worst year of our life and somewhat still be upright, for the most part?

a lot of changes have been thrown our way. not just with the absence of mum, and the loss of no longer having her, but the ramifications of her absence in our lives.

a couple of months ago i started my new job at hsbc, and i am loving it. it brings on a new challenge for me, i feel like i’m learning every day, and i working towards something. despite the familiarity of ate jenalou, it’s brand new slate. no one knows how crap this year has been. no one knows the reason why, and that brings me comfort where it’s a new canvas. i haven’t burst into tears, or have had time off because said tragedy. i can have a good day because it’s a good day, and i can have a bad day for no reason at all without the direct link to mourning. i can’t explain why that is comforting, but it is.

on the third of november there’s a mass and blessing for the graves in forest lawn, for the all souls day. so we’re having a family lunch at the family residence (note to the familia, email is on it’s way to you) before heading to the cemetary. funny, i realised last night that we spent all soul’s day in the phils last year. we went home to sta cruz to spend it with the family, we sat around the family crypt, picnic and all. my mom wanted us to experience that, which seemed strange at the time, but alas somehow it all kinda falls into place. this time last year, we were getting ready to go to the phils, we were shopping for pasalubongs, and mum was excited that we were going home. she was excited that she was going to be able to show me the apartment. how proud she was of it. she was also excited that kuya was coming with us. it brought her a sense of peace seeing him interact with our cousins, how less aloof he was in their presence, and the relationship he had with them brought her comfort. they pulled him out his shell, which for even lifer’s find extremely hard.

i would like to say that the whole trip i spent with my mum, but no. for the first time she released us willingly. my first night was not even spent at the new condo she was so excited to show me, but in sta cruz with my cousins for an impromptu sleepover. in those two weeks, we all did our own things, little did i know, she was saying her goodbyes to everyone else. in hindsight i understand why she kept leaving me instructions regarding the condo. hindsight!

lil sophie ying ying lee was born on the apec weekend, she’s beautiful. when she’s laughing or just normal she’s a spitting image of the tank man, when she’s howling and unhappy, she looks like her mommy. jes and i gave her a bath on friday, which i’m sure she was thinking ‘what the heck? who are these people?’ mer’s a blooming mommy, she looks great.

we celebrated cyn’t birthday a couple of weekends ago, which was fun, as it always is when our brood get together.

well, best go. hope all is well with everyone. xx

today would have been my mom’s 64th birthday, had she still been around, we would more thank likely spend this evening at her her favourite local restaurant… the ever faithful bongiorno’s or for a change, chans tea house, our home away from home. as per usual, she would insist that no big deal be made, as it would yet just be another day, whilst on the inside, she wanted the works.

last year on the way home from work i bought her a bunch of flowers, and for the first time she didn’t scold me for buying her something so tangible, when i could have picked them from her garden. i don’t remember where we went last year, bongiorno’s more than likely, but i remember coming home and she was excited about the dress we had bought for her birthday, she wanted to try them on and take pictures with them. we laughed as she posed for her photos in her infamous formal lounge. i remember feeling bad that we hadn’t taken photos at her dinner, but though i had my camera with me, there didn’t seem to be a time to take them. if only…

if only i had known that it was to be her last, i would have used up all the memory of my camera trying to capture those last moments, if only…

recently i was sick in bed, and whilst i was watching dvd’s from my flu infested cocoon, it occured to me for an alarming moment that i had forgotten what it was like to hear my mom’s footsteps throughout the house. to sense her presence in the room. it made me sad, and panicked, had i forgotten her? have i allowed life to move on without her. the thoughts that i’m sure were assisted by panadeine sent me to a state of panic. i know that life is supposed to go on, and i’m not supposed to feel guilty about it, but a part of me does. i don’t ever want to be complacent about not having her around. though i know that changes nothing. even tha smell of her in her room is beginning to fade.

the three of us siblings have found comfort in our busy schedules and crazy chaotic lifestyles, little by little we are moving on, but i question if we’re healing, or just avoiding the elephant in the room. more often than not i meet with my demons of december 11, which is always paniful, at the same time i don’t want to be numb to them.

tomorrow we’re celebrating her birthday, her friends from forest lawn are coming over to lead prayer novena, whilst her immediate family and closest friends gather in memory. admittedly i am not looking forward to the novena as it will bring back those first few nights of vigil. the mere thought of being transported to those first few days frighten me. as december 11 approaches, i can’t help but dread it. i am petrified to relieve those moments again and again, and i know i will two months from now. more than i already do.

i’m torn between not wanting to be in this house that night to not being able to leave the house for the very same reason. has it really been 10 months?

i know where my mom is, and i know she’s watching over us. often i wonder if she misses us, if she’s proud of us. does she see our struggle to just put one foot in front of the other.

miss you mom. happy birthday. love you!

i remember that she’s gone. obviously, this is knowledge that i have stored in my brain, a painful ache that rests softly in my heart, but there are some days when it hits me that little more. perhaps it’s the quiet reflection of the months that have passed without her, perhaps it’s all the things that are happening that she is evidently absent for. my sister’s new house, daily life stuff, the good things, as well as the bad things, even my crappy job. the little things i would absently tell her, the latest going ons with my circle of friends.

i know that she would have been as excited for mer’s baby as i am, because she knows how much mer means to me. how baby lee would be the first baby of our little close knit posse. just as she would have smiled proudly as jade got married. friends whom i’ve had for years, who spent as much time here in my house, as they did in theirs. her knowing glance at ann and i, or jes and i, in our formal living room as she walked passed us to go to work, acknowledging we were once again together, talking and talking, despite being together all day or night, knowing that we were no where near done yet. though i know she is still with us, and sees all things, she’s missing moments, moments i took for granted when she was alive. the things i used to tell her out of habit. sitting on that stool in the kitchen side by side after getting home from work, talking about mundane things. funny things, the latest dramas from the biggest drama queen of all…he who shall not be named. sentences usually starting with ‘my gosh….’ filo accent and all.

when i drop by the house after work before heading out again, i am forced to walk through the front door, and despite my efforts to refrain from doing so, my gaze falls to the side, my hands shaking as i try to open the door as fast as i can. the house is cold as i enter, and it is almost with great relief when i walk out minutes later. this was her house, she is what made this house a home. every nook and cranny screams a reminder of her. a memory, one after the other floods my mind, and it’s exhausting consciously trying to fight it, whether or not i know it, i am fighting it.

we keep her bedroom door closed, partly because it hurts to walk past it every time i go to my room, or go to the bathroom, or i’m merely sitting in the rumpus room and i can see straight through, and imagine it’s one of the rare times she is actually sleeping in her room before my having to wake her up to go to work later that night. personally, for the most part, i keep it close because every now and then, when i miss her more than i can express, i can walk in her room, and i can still smell her. her essence lingers in her bedroom, despite the limited time she spent in there. tonight, i walked in there, and though the room was cold and empty, faintly, i could smell her.

it’s hard to believe that it has been over eight months. it seems almost a betrayal to have survived this long without her, even though i know we all have to move on, and have started to do so. i guess i find it hard to comprehend that the closer it nears to a whole year, the more it becomes real. after a year, there is no turning back. there’s no more hiding behind the bubble of the first year. it hurts my head, and my heart to know that if or when i get married, she won’t be there. to help plan, quietly oversee, express her approval or disapproval. more than that,  she won’t be able to be the doting grandmother she always dreamed of being. all my children will know her from would be stories, memories told from all of us who loved her. it’s stupid, but i kind of wish i was able to give her that.

everyone tells us that we were my mother’s greatest pride and joy, that she lived for us. this we knew, she told us often that we meant the world to her. despite whether we felt it or not, especially during the difficult years.

communication is not a strong point in our family. in the past, there has been a lot of yelling, and very little hearing. silence spoke a thousand words in our household, therefore when there was silence, there was deep disappointment.  despite all this, there was a strong sense of loyalty. the four of us, stuck together. when all hit the fan those years ago, and rumours and gossip about our family spread like fire, we stood together, and worked through it as best as we could. our relationship with our mother was no where near perfect, and she was no cindy walsh (apologies for that particular reference, it was the first that came to mind) but she was ours. she loved us with all she had, and i wonder if she ever really knew how much we loved her. sure we learned to say it when i moved to london, it was a lot easier to say i love you through the phone than it was in person. i fear that she didn’t know that she was loved, and valued, and that i am sorry if i didn’t always convey it well. did she know just how big of a part in our lives she played.

lately, though it’s something i have always known, that i am fortunate to have been blessed with the friends i have. friends who has seen me fall apart at the most random of moments these last months, and just be there. friends who understand that when i become quiet, my mind has traveled elsewhere, to a memory that somehow pains me. they know who they are, as i am with them often throughout the week, and on the phone daily. their mere presence, bring support beyond words. friends who pray fervently for me for things in my heart unsaid, and just understand me. friends who make laugh so much it makes my side hurt and i fall to the floor. for their consistency most of all and undeniable presence in my life. even those who are not in the same country, but remained constant their presence has played a part in the healing process.

my mom did a lot of things well, and one of them was friendships. i look back at her friendships, and how well she was loved, and i am proud, a touch envious even for she had amazing friendships and relationships that sustained time and distance. her closest and best friends ranged from one extreme to another. crazy to sensible. but whichever end of the range they fell, they all had one thing in common. humour! throughout the years, i have watched my mom with her best friends laugh for hours, i have been lucky enough to have been a party to it more often than i can count. i love that she shared that with us.

the car ride to the blue mountains or wollongong with tita ro, tita glo and my mom at the back seat of the car are one of my favourite memories. my ats and i sitting at the front of the car shaking our heads as the three of them giggled uncontrollably for one reason or another. then taking model shot pictures of the three of them posed. fun times.

i remember that my mom was most relaxed when she was with tita rory or tita terry. the dynamics varied, but powerful. they brought out the best in her, the person that she was outside just being our mother. i will always be grateful for how they loved her, and continue to do so to this day.

i was flicking through foxtel today and caught the end of an extremely sad movie, bad move i know, but hey i was already there. the basic story was a mother was dying of something, i didn’t quite catch what of, and just before she passed away, she turned to her friend and said,

“You’ll look out for my girls?” to which the friend replied with certainty and conviction,
“How could I not, they’re you.”

and of course tears flowed…but that’s how i feel tita pat, aunty esty, tita rory and tita terry have rallied around us. with such selfless love, tita pat and aunty esty most of all, have somehow adopted us, and look after us more than they already did, as some sort of unspoken pact with my mother. knowing that my mother would have done the same. without tita pat, i’m sure we would survive, but without her motherly care we would merely exist. we are eternally grateful for the love and care that my mother’s sisters have poured out to us, every time we talk and get together there is that void we are so aware of. but as aunty esty had pointed out, we are getting better, as we are no longer bursting into tears whilst on the phone. tiny steps….

anyways, enough of my incoherent pointless babbling. apologies for my reuniting you with kleenex.

so the rest of july went by rather in a blur, with one event after another, and now august is almost finished. how time is just passing by so quickly, and how so much has happened, yet it feels like not much has moved.

i miss my mom. i mean that’s a daily thing, but these last couple of weekends, i really have. for no special reason, just every day stuff. i find it hard to speak of her in the past sense, mainly because saying it out loud, would mean admitting to it.

my at’s moved this weekend, to a really nice house dubbed ‘the crap shack’, for all of it’s un-new-ness, it feels very homey and definitely full of potential. as great as it was to have a new project, something new. it was a little sad to think that this is the first of many things that my mom would not have been a part of from the start.

life is progressing, for all of us, in our own ways. everyone is busy. kuya and i are hardly ever home. he’s busy at work, and my activities keep me busy for most of the week, leaving a day/evening or so at home. perhaps it subconscious, but very little time is spent at the blair athol home. a part of me still cannot walk through the front door if one can prevent it.

that being said, brother and i have developed a routine in our co-exististence in the house. we check in, queries my whereabouts, whether the other guardian has custody of me for the evening, confirms if i’ve been fed and vice versa.

the business is coming along promising-ly. got a couple of things lined up. my biz partner is like 38 weeks pregnant so we’re all waiting in anticipation for Baby Lee to grace us with her presence.

mic leaves for dubai this weekend, and it surreal to watch him get ready to go. it’s going to be hard to say goodbye… mic is one of those friends that i’ve had since i was like ten, and is ever present at almost every significant days of my life. he and ruby we’re the first friends who came to see me while i was in london, just before i settled down, but just after i passed panic mode.   

brother’s birthday is coming up, and shortly after mom’s birthday, and the consensus is that if the Forest Lawn people want to hold a prayer night for mom on her birthday at our house, then we will hold one, because that’s what she would want. it’s hard to comprehend that she’s gone, let along the amount of time that has passed since she has. sometimes i forget that she is, maybe it’s wishful thinking because not a day passes that i don’t feel her absence in my life.

…another year older! officially only a year away from the big 30.

the night before my birthday, i was in my pyjama’s and in bed by 8 in the evening. i figured if i was asleep, i can almost forget traditions. but let’s just say that wasn’t going to happen as i was getting phone calls all eve and the birthday greetings started at 11:30. which was rather sweet and i totally appreciated it.

the day at work was rather a normal and non climactic in any way. dinner at the pearsons with the family was rather special. aunty wazza had flowers and a box of choc-chip macadamia cookies waiting for me at the table. the pearson’s rock! the whole family was complete, with the addition of my honorary strawberry blonde nieces for the night c/o the skuse’s.  tell you what we were looking like the add for united colours of benetton kids ware.

the day was pretty hard, slipped in and out throughout the day. my sis kept calling to check on me, having moments on my behalf… she’s funny!

the day came and went without much fuss.

the rest of the weekend was planned by my closest friends. a night in town, dinner, dancing and crashing at a hotel, and breakfast.

before heading to the city we went to the cemetary to see my mom, i just needed to. walking up to see her was hard, it hurt to think the remainder of my birthdays would be spent with a trip to the cemetary just to see her, i know she’s always with me, but you know what i mean. i find that when i’m there i can never stay for very long. it’s just hard. after a few minutes when i looked at cynt and jes to say let’s go, i knew they understood.

we drove cynt home before heading to our hotel room when the banans was awaiting our arrival. after promptly dumping our bags and jes demanding i change out of my sneakers, we headed for what was part of my present. a walk around the world before jes stopped in front of dymocks to reveal my present… my pre-ordered copy of Harry Potter.  from there we had coffee and scones, pretty much had our very own version of high tea at a club in which jes is a member. banan, jes and i had fun and enjoyed the catch up we were able to have. which is always like slipping on your favourite pair of pyjamas. we tried to speed shop but it just wasn’t doable as we literally had half an hour to get ready for dinner.

dinner was lovely and intimate. the restaurant had a good ambiance and the food was great. even the boys approved, which is high praise from our food critics.  we headed back to the hotel so the others could check it out, as the girls were the only ones staying the night. not long after we headed to the GAB bar for Old School R&B, which can i just say ‘when did Bobby Brown ‘Humpin Around’ classify as old shool?’ the first part of the night was spent on the couches, catching up with Ross, Jade and the others… the music was really bad. it wasn’t till around 1ish did the music get better and we got to boogie! by then there was only a handful of us left, but we had fun.

it meant a lot that jade pitched up at the club because she couldn’t come to dinner. somehow it was like she knew that i needed re-enforcements, and i did. i think jade and i will always share that understanding. regardless the time apart and infrequent catch ups, there’s something about each other’s presence that calms the other. especially after everything. i know that jade considered my mom as one of her own, and vice versa. throughout high school, more often than not jade came home to our house on friday’s and my mom loved her to bits. having her that night, meant a lot, i knew with a look that she understood what i felt was missing. as my closest friends do, for which i am fortunate to have them and are grateful for them.

we staggered back to the hotel room around 4ish/4:30ish, with a pit stop to macca’s. so bad, but sooooo necessary at that point. we stayed at the hotel lobby to consume the not so good goodies as we didn’t want to stink up our room, or wake val up who we guessed would be sleeping by then. 

eventually we got to sleep only to get up a couple of hours later for breakfast and an early start for home as we were all heading to our respectable church services that morning.

the weekend was jam packed which helped in the determination to keep it together. to not notice that something was missing. an attempt to fill a void that can never be filled.

the other day i was driving to work, and as i was driving an ambulance pulled up beside me and the sirens started going off and i froze. i was in traffic so it was okay, but i was ill prepared for how easily it transported me to that evening, how it brought every feeling i had in that ambulance that night.

i was reminded the other day that it doesn’t just go away because i want it to. that it’s a process and i just need to walk through the process instead of willing to be at the end of it. so i’m going to give that a go.

anyways, better head back to work. will post latest happs later on.

it’s almost 7 in the morning and i have been up for hours. can you be up if you were never asleep?? hmmm!

yesterday i went to kaye’s house for mj’s 2nd birthday party. he’s sooooo cute!

after which i went home bound for the atster’s house to ring in her 34th birthday with her, and just before midnight she and wifey walked through the doors. we had a shot of jager-bombs before collapsing on the couch…through tiredness not alcohol! it was only a shot!

it’s funny, i was thinking pretty much all day yesterday that i had been home for a whole year. how time has flown and how so much has happened since. i can still remember stepping out of immigration and into the arrival section where the families wait for their loved ones and having my Mom, Ats and sister in law there. i remember driving home with my mom in awe that i was home. how everything looked so different and yet so exactly the same. i remember hugging my bed as soon as i walked into my room, and as a force of habit walking into the pantry and standing before it, as i had time countless of times, and it seemed at that moment, that no time had passed. i remember my sister’s riduculous attempts to keep me awake for some lame excuse, trying not to tell me of my surprise welcome home party… she didn’t think the mountains of food and overflowing supply of plastic dinner ware was not a dead giveaway! i remember pretty much my closest friends and family members were there, which was a little overwhelming, but totally comforting. the moment i had landed my phone had not stopped ringing. 

it’s hard to believe how time has flown so quickly. i remember my first year in london, it felt like time ticked by ever so slowly. it seems the older one gets, the quicker time passes.

remembering to a year back means remembering my mom. not that that doesn’t happen on the somewhat minutely basis, but more so. especially on the long drive to kaye’s house. could she really be gone? and for seven months in 11 days. writing in my sister’s card was a little difficult. how do you wish someone a happy birthday when you both know that there is a definitive void in their special day. birthday’s were a thing with my mom, it was her opportunity to spoil us more than she already did. around this time of the year she’d take us shopping, around this time she’d be shopping with me for a birthday outfit, as she has for as long as i can remember. she always bought my birthday outfit, and shopping for the outfit was our bonding moment. when i was away in london she still sent me my birthday outfits. one of many unspoken traditions that i will miss. and it hit me how much on thursday as i wandered around somewhat purposefully at macarthur square to pick up my sister’s present, and i had walked passed Colorado…where most of my birthday outfits were purchased, and it took me back to a year ago when we were there on a thursday night trying on outfits, and i remember one of the sales lady mentioned that she was bound for europe and of course my mother jumps on the band wagon and informs the lady that i had just arrived and had been there for two years, blah blah blah. mother’s pride i could almost detect, which she usually reserves for when we’re not in the room.  

today we’re having a birthday lunch for my sister at her house. we have family and friends coming over. which will be nice. we don’t all see each other as much as we used to. it’d be nice to just hang.

for my birthday, i had considered having a get together here at at’s but, i don’t know. i just don’t quite feel it. i know that i wouldn’t have anything at home, it just feels too weird. that the elephant would definitely be visible. so this year shall be a low key one. after all, it’s only my 29th. next year is the biggie! this year, dinner with the family, and dinner with friends on another evening (thanks banans for taking the reigns).

well might try to catch some zzzzz’s.  xxKie

after the gruelling time in melbourne, despite the fun times, it took a toll and i was sick for the whole week later. no voice and everything. impressive huh!

ate gigi and kuya jay dropped me off at the airport, and though they are only an hour away from sydney by plane, it felt like i was leaving them from the phils and we weren’t going to see each other forever. i hugged ate gigi and we managed to do the goodbyes without the waterworks. a proud moment for us both!

after ate picked me up, we dropped by her house so i can pick up saatchi before heading for the cemetary. the night before was tougher than normal, for all the obvious reasons i guess… but that night, it felt like i was reliving the whole day of the accident. i don’t know if it was because i was sick, and overly emotional because i was feeling so physically bad… but i relived that awful night all over again. which when you’re nauseaus and can’t breathe, isn’t really advisable to be in a fit of uncontrollable tears, especially when you’re trying to so hard to be discreet in a van full of your closest friends, whom in fairness would understand, but i wasn’t up for the explanation that would be necessary.

anyways… after we visited the cemetary, we went to Pho for lunch, and basically stuffed ourselves silly. comfort food much!

that following weekend i worked on an invitation for a friend of a friend’s and actually got my first pay check for the business. for those that don’t know, a friend and i have started an event planning business, we plan events and we design invitations. that was pretty exciting to have the cash in hand. it wasn’t much, but the excitement was ample. at the moment it is going pretty well, i have a few projects in the pipeline.

on friday we had paolo’s farewell at the UN club… he left for London on Monday. upon walking into the club my first thoughts, and i soooo wasn’t alone was, ‘I FEEL EXTREMELY OLD’… but it was fun. it was nice to catch up with friends in the likes of Mic who i don’t see very often. i realised how much i’ve missed him and hanging out with him. before 1am we made our exit and left the partying to the young’uns and the banans whose stamina astounds and impresses me.

on saturday i agreed to be jes’ date for her double date with one of her friends who wanted her to meet her boyfriend, as chris had other engagements. so i made her come with me to city hills… which proved to be as hard as i thought it would be. seeing as the last time i fronted there was the night i went with my mom, the night before she passed away.  it was difficult to walk through the doors knowing that the last time i went through those doors, i was with my mom. she got a picture of what i did every sunday at city hills, and my heart fell as i felt the loss all over again. i got to see my kids church pastor which was nice, and she was as supportive as ever. also got to see my friends marie and emily which meant a lot. we haven’t seen each other since the colour conference, and i’ve missed them. at the end i ended up crying… like what else is new. i just couldn’t help it. it was just sad!

sunday night i went to ann’s house to say g’bye to paolo. it seemed weird to watch him wander around the house as he gathered his belongings and mentally prepared himself for the journey ahead. the thoughts running through his mind would be similar to those mine only 3 years ago. i was excited for him, maybe even a little envious of the adventure ahead. for me, london feels like a lifetime ago. after everything, it feels like so much time has passed, at the same time, no time at all. i remember those last days in sydney before my departure, last minute meets with friends. all night conversations with your nearest and dearest, and the constant presence of your best friends in your household, savouring each moment. how time flies! he’s going to have a blast!

this weekend is at’s birthday… and it would be easy to sweep it under the carpet as just another birthday, but no amounts of alcohol (though we will try) will erase the void that we are sure to feel. the missing phone call at midnight from my mom. i remember those, when we were younger and she was at work (as she always took our birthday as a day/night off), and most especially when i was away. she was always my first phone call, though she often joked that she wanted to wait till the traffic subsided as she knew my sister and friends would be aiming to wish me happy birthday right on the dot too. as my own birthday approaches, i cannot help but dread it. moments that i once took for granted makes my heart ache that they are moments i will never have again. on the nights that my mom wasn’t working on the even before my birthday, regardless if she was already asleep or not, she would wake up at midnight and come into my room, kiss me happy birthday and lie down on my bed with me till we both fell asleep again. in the morning she would be gone, making preparations for the festivities of the day. that’s what she did last year. i didn’t think for a moment that last year would be the last time she would do that. i hate that it was.

during the time i was sick, i missed her more than ever. of course! but last week when i went to visit mer at home because she was sick, i found that i couldn’t stay there for very long. her mom was there, and she was taking care of her, and it just made me sad. i realise what a baby i’m going to sound like when i say that there is nothing like your mother taking care of you when you’re sick. lying on her lap when you’re delirious from a high fever. i remember the first time i got sick whilst i was away, i was sitting in the laundrymat 15 min walk away from home doing a whole week’s worth of laundry feeling like crap and she called me and i just burst into tears because i felt so bad, and she just talked me through it. that was enough… to hear her voice was enough. what you take for granted huh! arghhhh!!!!

moving along… seeing as i’m at work and my tears are welling up and i’m borderline on blubbering.

peace out! love lots!

well it’s the 2nd last day of melbourne and i’m off home tomorrow morning. on the most part, it has been a good trip. there are some friends whom you just couldn’t love more, equipped with their very own quirks and habits, and after almost over 3 years of not traveling together (with the boys) it’s funny and i guess somewhat comforting to see how some things don’t change. i love how there seems to be no boundaries in the folds of this chaos we call our friendship.

i arrived at the airport to be greeted by my ate ma, kuya lon and nephew joseph, who was quite shy of me. it took almost the whole day for him to actually sit next to me, but i was reassured that i wasn’t the only one, and it was standard routine. low and behold a few hours later we had reached a somewhat ammicable status. it was nice to be with ate alma again. in a lot of ways it brought me back to our youngen years. as we up angel i was quite touched that she threw her arms around my waist after it hit her who was standing by her mother. without reservation and genuine affection. she may look like papa lon but she has taken much of her grace and spirit from her mother, pagkalambing and all. after a couple of hours at ate ma’s we headed for ate gigi’s to be greeted by my pamangkins who were all taller than me….almost. we had a really nice dinner together as a family. i got the opportunity to have a heart to heart with ate gigi and ate ma. whilst everyone just carried on with dinner and their own chaos. it was great to watch the pamangkins together and interact. how the older ones looked after the little ones and how close knit they were. it was like a little window to our childhood. i loved that angel and joseph refered to ate gigi as mommy (ate ma being mama) and it spoke thousands of how much they were all a part of each others lives.

after dinner and the drama that was exchanged ate ma and i said our hesitant goodbyes as ate gigi and family we’re taking me to the somerset where my friends and i were meeting. after quick introductions and a heaist like meeting out front, they snuck me into our hotel apartment, as i was the 6th of the maximum 5 per room rule.

unfortunately for me i got very sick saturday morning and could not get up, so the rest of my crew headed for brunch while i literally slept fitfully feverish. by the time they arrived, i could manage to slowly move so i joined them for the little light sightseeing and shopping before getting ready for miss saigon. the performance was amazing, though our seats was a little disappointing. the structure of the theatre proved to be non condusive to successful viewing, but hey it was miss saigon. we took a little trip to the crown casino where after one drink (a mocktail at that) i needed to go back to the hotel. due to the hunger pains we were experiencing, at 1am when we arrived back at the hotel jes and i left chris and thomas at the room while we forraged for food, ending up at a chinese restaurant nearby. which was filling, but hardly satisfying!

today was the big day… the day we were going to venture the famous great ocean road. not long after an hour of winding roads ann got sick, followed by me…which initiated a whole lot of stops, which meant getting to the 12 apostles to took a little longer…after a downpour of rain, it was still worth it. even if it meant being drenched all the way home. being drenched all the way home meant that i started a coughing fit, resuming my fluish symptoms.

today was always going to suck, today being the 6 month anniversary of the accident…though it hit me throughout the day it hit me completely on the way home, sick and feverish…again. i can’t describe into words the emotions that surged through at that point, it was like i relived that day again in that moment, and it was overwhelming.

tomorrow i’m headed home, and we’re all meeting at the cemetary to gather for the 6 month anniversary. i can’t believe it’s been six months. how time escapes us so quickly.

yay! it’t the weekend again! says the person who’s currently working part time. tee hee! anyways, i digress.

tomorrow the crew and i are off to melbourne… all at different times, means and flights! funny bunch of people we are, but that’s how it has worked out.

jes and chris embarked on their road trip to victoria early this morning and the last communication we had this afternoon they were well on their way.

the tankman, preggy and ann have a 7ish flight tomorrow morning to Avalon, and i fly out at 9am heading for tullamarine? where i will be meeting my ate alma and kuya lon. i’ll get to spend the day with them and the kiddies before meeting up with ate gigi and the rest of the family for dinner, and then they’re taking me to the hotel apartments where we’re staying.

saturday is an open day, jes and i are hoping to see as much as we can, and in the evening we have the premiere for miss saigon, which is the main reason for our trip to melbourne, which has been in the planning for quite sometime now. not quite sure what kind of havoc the boys are going to make whilst they are let loose at the crown casino while we watch miss saigon, but hey that’s going to be a talk point between them and their spouses.

sunday, which i am really excited about… we’ve rented a van so we can drive to see the 12 apostles, which apparantly isn’t really 12 anymore.

monday i fly back early in the morning to be back for the 6 month anniversary gathering. we’re all meeting at the cemetary and then off to lunch together.

it’s weird to think that it has been 6 months, it’s hard to fathom that we have endured 6 months already. how time flies! there are still so many things that needs to be straightened out in terms of legalities, and i guess once that’s done, the official things can be laid to rest.

it’s funny because so much has changed, and at the same time, very little has. it’s almost like if you close your eyes really tightly you can almost convince yourself it didn’t happen. but at some point you do have to open your eyes and realise that you see things differently than before.

last week was pretty rough, for no particular reason. i just missed my mom. it seemed like every opportunity presented triggered such a response, and it’s always hard to come to grips with she is never going to be around again.

so many times, especially in the last couple of weeks i have just had so much to tell her, and though i knew she could hear me, it just wasn’t the same. i knew she would have loved that my ate went to the phils, saw her prized condo, and got to spend time with our relatives back him. i wonder what she thought when things we’ren’t exactly going our way regarding the paperwork we were trying to sort out and the politics interwoven in what was already a complicated situation. was she as dumbfounded as we were at the realisation that a certain relationship seems not only unsalvageable but even more catastrophic than what we had ever imagined. i am stunned at the mindset and the lack of … i don’t even have a word. is she watching? does she see the mine field that keeps exploding around us. does she realise that when she died, we became an orphan? she was the one who cared for us, took care of us, loved us so certainly to a fault… does she know when she died she took away the parent who believed in us, in all we could be, and the parent who loved us above herself. the parent who put us first. with everything that’s happened and recently unfolded, does she know we lost more than her? what would she say to our current predicament? knowing my mother she’s push for reconciliation ‘you’re the children, you adjust…etc etc’ how do you reconcile after numerous blows, not only to your character but the very memory of the mother so insistent on the peace between all parties. would she still insist knowing all that has happened these last few months, the thing is… she would. because that’s who she was, especially when it came to that one person. one can only pray for the grace to do what i know she would want regardless how wrong it may seem and the reception we get despite the effort.

i’m looking forward to melbourne, though we went away for a couple of weeks, it was in no way a holiday. i feel bad for not being at home on sunday, which marks six months to the day of the accident… at the same time a little relieved. even though i know that wherever i am i will be reliving the day over and over again in my head, the change of scenery may help. hopefully my brother won’t be alone all day… though we’re usually at separate ends of the house when we are home together, at least we’re there together. i would hate for him to be alone, mainly because at some point it will kick in.

anyways, this was supposed to be low key blog and here i am with a long diatribe all over again. off to bed. early morning tomorrow.

super cool party people bid you super cool adieu! *thank you gilmore girls for that little piece of pop reference*

we’re back…home and even more exhausted than what we were when we frst left. and all i did was be a mascot! emotional support shall we say. assistant to the executor’s executor.

by wednesday evening, after a lot of running around (by kuya and kuya jayvee) and some angry words from my darling somewhat distressed sister to the meralco man…we had electricity. mind you this was after a whole day of waiting for them to be turned on. sadly for my sister and myself who was bound and determined to stay there, wanting to clean the place and plant ourselves there for the remainder of the trip, the stinkin’ air con was not working. uh huh! 40 degree humidity and no air con! with a studio flat to clean! fun! i’ll spare you the details shall i? all i know is at 4am i shook my sister awake and begged for the window to be opened because i couldn’t breathe!

on our first day in the condo we were ushered out as fumigation started at 9am to 12pm… so what did we do my sister and i? spend the next three hours at the coolest place we could find in the whole complex… in the swimming pool of  course. therefore we paid the price hours later realising we were sunburnt. apparantly it was my fault! whatever ats!

the days that followed just blur into the other because more often than not we were going from place to place trying to get all the requirements done, and so on and so forth. on the saturday my ats and i went to visit navotas, where we grew up and even caught of the school we used to go to. sunday we had patricia annette’s baptism.

time passed so quickly, and there were many frustrating moments, especially in the last legs of the trip. signature requirements and what nots… but i think we’re almost all done. funds need to be transfered and last of the paperwork needs to be sent, after that, done. things with the solicitor here seems to be getting tied up to, which is a relief after so many months. with my ats and bro taking care of all the financial needs of the house i know that this is much needed. after all it has been six months.

on the saturday we were to leave, was a day of frenzy…at least after we woke up. packing needed to be done, last minute cleaning, family to see, etc. when we got back to the condo, i checked my oz phone, and there were several missed calls from a private number as well as numerous messages. i almost dropped the phone when i read it.

lana, a good friend of mine in london, and the only female flatmate i ever had there was killed tragically in a car crash in south africa early that morning. i looked at ate meanne who caught my expression and i could barely utter the words out. not another one. i couldn’t help but mumble to myself. quickly i collected myself. it was a full house and we were about to say our goodbyes and a melt down wasn’t appropriate. i swallowed hard and said our quick goodbyes to the family. in the lift i uttered the words to my sister and just stood there in shock. and in shock i stayed.

throughout the night, and the flight, memories with lana kept popping in. our talks in her room, and just hanging out. watching movies from my laptop, finding notes in my room from her, her and i cramped into our tiny bathroom colouring my hair. sitting in our kitchen sharing our frustrations for the day. after b left for south africa, she had made living in bembridge house bearable, and fun. shortly after i left to go home, so did she, and we have been in touch mainly through myspace, and randomnly i receive these quirky messages, and they never fail to make me laugh, as lana always knew how to do regardless how bad my day was going. it’s weird to say that i am going to miss her, after all i have been missing her all this time we have been apart, and the thought that i will never see her again, incomprehendable. i’ve never lost a friend through death before and as the fourth death in my sphere of world in the last 6 months, it’s not any easier. it feels like i haven’t even begun to fully mourn my mother and i here i am mourning one of my friends who was so young and full of life. so much loss in such a short period of time. how do you begin coping for something when you’re half way through coping something else, the most tragic event of your life? talk about fighting with multiple swords simultaneously.

recently i have felt that i haven’t been coping all that well. i find that i have very little control over my tears, and emotions in general and it frustrates me. i should be coping better. i should be getting somewhere by now. why isn’t it getting any better? what am i doing wrong? what am i not doing? everyone tells me that i can’t put a time on living through the worst moments of my life… i can’t help it. is it ever going to hurt less? will the void always be so great? will it get any easier?

lana’s memorial is in a couple of days, and how i wish i could be there… at the same time relieved that i can’t. if that at all makes any sense. i am praying for her and her whole family. for her friends, for our friends who i share the grief and loss with. lana steyn was a beautful person with an amazing enery with a laugh so contagious that you just wanted to hug her. i’ll miss you my friend. look my mom up, she’ll take care of you.