Posted by Elisa on Monday Nov 5, 2007 Under Updates
…so we celebrated our very first ‘all saint’s day’ in sydney. how much does it suck that it’s for our mother? a whole lot.
it’s been one of those weeks at work, where it’s hectic and chaotic, but i still love it. at the same time it’s almost been a chaotic week in every other aspect, but hey it’s all part of the fun i guess.
we went to green valley for the usual pho fix before heading to the cemetary for the blessings. it seemed that we arrived just in time as the moment we stepped out of the car father nards went on his way, holy water on hand. after a quick blessing and polite exchange with RAC we were left to sit around the pascual/napiza/skuse/taylor memorial estate. there we sat for a little while, catching up, we pulled out our secret santa’s for this years Christmas Exchange. i felt the need to have it at the cemetary as last year when we started the new tradition, my mom was still there and it felt only right to still share the moment with her.
with the anniversary coming up, the inevitable talks regarding what to do with her room, her clothes, and belongings have been raised. reluctantly and non commingtingly from my part. at some stage i know that i’m to move into her room, but if i do that means her smell will be gone, and i don’t know if i’m willing to part with the little comfort that brings me when i need to sense her. as unhealthy as that may sound.
the last couple of weeks, i have felt her absence more and more, perhaps because the anniversary is fast approaching. every time i am in the car with my brother on the way to some place, i am reminded that it’s only us that are left. when we go shopping and we come from from somewhere, i feel her absence all the more stronger. though the three of us are surrounded by our family, whom we would be lost without, i distinctly feel like an orphan. for as long as i can remember, my mother was the one parent we had, and losing her, was like losing the one person that loved us simply because we were hers. and despite all of our short comings, she loved us, and knew us. she knew who we were and what our needs were simply because she was mum.
it’s hard to fathom that she’s been gone for almost a year, that she’s gone! that life has had the audacity to go on without her. with a year just around the corner, i know that a lot of chapters have to be closed if we are to move forward, we’ve survived almost the first of everything. mother’s day, our birtdhays, her birthday… the only thing left is the first anniversary of that horrific day and the day after that sealed her absence forever. i dread putting the christmas tree up, as it was our thing. how she loved christmas and the fact that all of us would inevitably be under one roof during the season. i loved that i shared our traditions with her. by december she would be throwing hints at me to put the tree up, and have that singing santa claus out for the season singing ‘jingle bell rock’ incessantly till we’re so sick of him that we’re borderline ready to throw him out. i remember how much joy she got out of that annoying thing the moment i brought it home from my days at target many moons ago. every time i would put the tree up she would be close behind, watching… pointing, directing to where she would like what where. last year’s memory still vivid in my head…
she finally got me to agree to put the tree up after apparantly years of not having a tree up in my absence.  we had the christmas music blaring (and it was barely december), she was in the other room, cleaning the bathroom, coming in every so often to check on my progress, we ordered pizza and after a couple of hours we sat there to inspect the finished product. as usual she tweaked and as she pleased. she loved the christmas lights on the trees, and often put them on just for her enjoyment.
usually the christmas season means shopping with mom for everyone’s present. shopping for outfits, and food for christmas dinner. there was none of that last year. for some reason she was putting off buying christmas presents, which she normally purchased well in advanced. i was looking forward to my first christmas back in sydney, it had been years since the last one and i had not been part of the normal traditions for the last couple that i was actually looking forward to it. instead… well we all know what instead was.
i don’t know if i can put the tree up this year… or in any forseeable future. christmas was her thing, and she sucked me into it, and i can’t imagine putting that tree up without the usual inspection, without the commotion of getting the tree from the garage and rilfing through decades old ornaments, having the christmas carols blaring, and let’s not forget singing santa.
i’m looking forward to aunty esty coming, hoping that ninang bibu and tita rory can come too. it’s such a sad reason to come together, but i know she would love it. that we would all gather together, for her. aunty esty coming will bring much comfort, and it means a lot to all of us that she’s coming. it goes without saying, that no one really understands all the little things aside from us, all of us that were so connected to her, all of us who were there that night sitting in vigil waiting for the inevitable. no one else understands how the smallest things sets us off. no one else but us understands the sudden quiet disposition and sadness in each other’s eyes when we remember. how the most painful moments bond people together.
last week was a tough week, for more reasons than one… with december just around the corner, i cannot help but feel apprehensive. it scares me almost to face the one year anniversary. for reasons i cannot even explain to myself. but… we must move forward… it’s what she would have wanted.