so mom’s birthday came and went. we had the immediate family over for dinner, as well as her friends from forest lawn, whom i have to say, i am grateful for their dedication, as about 12 of them showed up at our doorstep, food on hand to hold a prayer for my mom. seeing as friends of my mom who i thought should have been there, did not even show up.
prayer part was hard… for a moment it was like we were transported back to those first few days after she passed away. by some blessing in disguise they did not have the ‘usual’ novena sheets, therefore we were spared from ‘come holy spirit…’, not to mention ‘hindi kita malilimutan’ which one must admit, i was more than grateful for.
things for all of us are in a way settling down. the property in the phils is now under our name, and i’d hate to jinx it, but we may even be making some headway to the probate, seeing as a whole year later and nothing has yet happened.
dec 11 is fast approaching, and i have already put my leave application in for the 10th and 11th, as i can forsee that i will be a blubbering mess. i think the three of us siblings will be off for those couple of days. the thing is, the 10th is a harder day for me than the 11th. perhaps it was because the horror started on the 10th for me, that by the 11th, we were all so worn out, that i switched to auto pilot as soon as we arrived back home from the hospital. i remember how cold the house seemed that morning when we walked through the door. my siblings and i seemingly lost, as though we were walking into the house for the first time. seeing everything as it wa left the night before, though kuya, ate lei and kuya jamie had done their best with the front porch, the remnants of what we were doing before we began hanging the christmas lights remained exposed. dinner from the night before still in it’s pan, the oven was opened, dishes in the sink. it was like our whole life was put on pause, and walking through that front door again, and refraining from staring at the place it happened, was like pushing the play button again.
it’s hard to believe that a year is only around the corner. have we really survived the worst year of our life and somewhat still be upright, for the most part?
a lot of changes have been thrown our way. not just with the absence of mum, and the loss of no longer having her, but the ramifications of her absence in our lives.
a couple of months ago i started my new job at hsbc, and i am loving it. it brings on a new challenge for me, i feel like i’m learning every day, and i working towards something. despite the familiarity of ate jenalou, it’s brand new slate. no one knows how crap this year has been. no one knows the reason why, and that brings me comfort where it’s a new canvas. i haven’t burst into tears, or have had time off because said tragedy. i can have a good day because it’s a good day, and i can have a bad day for no reason at all without the direct link to mourning. i can’t explain why that is comforting, but it is.
on the third of november there’s a mass and blessing for the graves in forest lawn, for the all souls day. so we’re having a family lunch at the family residence (note to the familia, email is on it’s way to you) before heading to the cemetary. funny, i realised last night that we spent all soul’s day in the phils last year. we went home to sta cruz to spend it with the family, we sat around the family crypt, picnic and all. my mom wanted us to experience that, which seemed strange at the time, but alas somehow it all kinda falls into place. this time last year, we were getting ready to go to the phils, we were shopping for pasalubongs, and mum was excited that we were going home. she was excited that she was going to be able to show me the apartment. how proud she was of it. she was also excited that kuya was coming with us. it brought her a sense of peace seeing him interact with our cousins, how less aloof he was in their presence, and the relationship he had with them brought her comfort. they pulled him out his shell, which for even lifer’s find extremely hard.
i would like to say that the whole trip i spent with my mum, but no. for the first time she released us willingly. my first night was not even spent at the new condo she was so excited to show me, but in sta cruz with my cousins for an impromptu sleepover. in those two weeks, we all did our own things, little did i know, she was saying her goodbyes to everyone else. in hindsight i understand why she kept leaving me instructions regarding the condo. hindsight!
lil sophie ying ying lee was born on the apec weekend, she’s beautiful. when she’s laughing or just normal she’s a spitting image of the tank man, when she’s howling and unhappy, she looks like her mommy. jes and i gave her a bath on friday, which i’m sure she was thinking ‘what the heck? who are these people?’ mer’s a blooming mommy, she looks great.
we celebrated cyn’t birthday a couple of weekends ago, which was fun, as it always is when our brood get together.
well, best go. hope all is well with everyone. xx