Month: June 2007

it’s almost 7 in the morning and i have been up for hours. can you be up if you were never asleep?? hmmm!

yesterday i went to kaye’s house for mj’s 2nd birthday party. he’s sooooo cute!

after which i went home bound for the atster’s house to ring in her 34th birthday with her, and just before midnight she and wifey walked through the doors. we had a shot of jager-bombs before collapsing on the couch…through tiredness not alcohol! it was only a shot!

it’s funny, i was thinking pretty much all day yesterday that i had been home for a whole year. how time has flown and how so much has happened since. i can still remember stepping out of immigration and into the arrival section where the families wait for their loved ones and having my Mom, Ats and sister in law there. i remember driving home with my mom in awe that i was home. how everything looked so different and yet so exactly the same. i remember hugging my bed as soon as i walked into my room, and as a force of habit walking into the pantry and standing before it, as i had time countless of times, and it seemed at that moment, that no time had passed. i remember my sister’s riduculous attempts to keep me awake for some lame excuse, trying not to tell me of my surprise welcome home party… she didn’t think the mountains of food and overflowing supply of plastic dinner ware was not a dead giveaway! i remember pretty much my closest friends and family members were there, which was a little overwhelming, but totally comforting. the moment i had landed my phone had not stopped ringing. 

it’s hard to believe how time has flown so quickly. i remember my first year in london, it felt like time ticked by ever so slowly. it seems the older one gets, the quicker time passes.

remembering to a year back means remembering my mom. not that that doesn’t happen on the somewhat minutely basis, but more so. especially on the long drive to kaye’s house. could she really be gone? and for seven months in 11 days. writing in my sister’s card was a little difficult. how do you wish someone a happy birthday when you both know that there is a definitive void in their special day. birthday’s were a thing with my mom, it was her opportunity to spoil us more than she already did. around this time of the year she’d take us shopping, around this time she’d be shopping with me for a birthday outfit, as she has for as long as i can remember. she always bought my birthday outfit, and shopping for the outfit was our bonding moment. when i was away in london she still sent me my birthday outfits. one of many unspoken traditions that i will miss. and it hit me how much on thursday as i wandered around somewhat purposefully at macarthur square to pick up my sister’s present, and i had walked passed Colorado…where most of my birthday outfits were purchased, and it took me back to a year ago when we were there on a thursday night trying on outfits, and i remember one of the sales lady mentioned that she was bound for europe and of course my mother jumps on the band wagon and informs the lady that i had just arrived and had been there for two years, blah blah blah. mother’s pride i could almost detect, which she usually reserves for when we’re not in the room.  

today we’re having a birthday lunch for my sister at her house. we have family and friends coming over. which will be nice. we don’t all see each other as much as we used to. it’d be nice to just hang.

for my birthday, i had considered having a get together here at at’s but, i don’t know. i just don’t quite feel it. i know that i wouldn’t have anything at home, it just feels too weird. that the elephant would definitely be visible. so this year shall be a low key one. after all, it’s only my 29th. next year is the biggie! this year, dinner with the family, and dinner with friends on another evening (thanks banans for taking the reigns).

well might try to catch some zzzzz’s.  xxKie

after the gruelling time in melbourne, despite the fun times, it took a toll and i was sick for the whole week later. no voice and everything. impressive huh!

ate gigi and kuya jay dropped me off at the airport, and though they are only an hour away from sydney by plane, it felt like i was leaving them from the phils and we weren’t going to see each other forever. i hugged ate gigi and we managed to do the goodbyes without the waterworks. a proud moment for us both!

after ate picked me up, we dropped by her house so i can pick up saatchi before heading for the cemetary. the night before was tougher than normal, for all the obvious reasons i guess… but that night, it felt like i was reliving the whole day of the accident. i don’t know if it was because i was sick, and overly emotional because i was feeling so physically bad… but i relived that awful night all over again. which when you’re nauseaus and can’t breathe, isn’t really advisable to be in a fit of uncontrollable tears, especially when you’re trying to so hard to be discreet in a van full of your closest friends, whom in fairness would understand, but i wasn’t up for the explanation that would be necessary.

anyways… after we visited the cemetary, we went to Pho for lunch, and basically stuffed ourselves silly. comfort food much!

that following weekend i worked on an invitation for a friend of a friend’s and actually got my first pay check for the business. for those that don’t know, a friend and i have started an event planning business, we plan events and we design invitations. that was pretty exciting to have the cash in hand. it wasn’t much, but the excitement was ample. at the moment it is going pretty well, i have a few projects in the pipeline.

on friday we had paolo’s farewell at the UN club… he left for London on Monday. upon walking into the club my first thoughts, and i soooo wasn’t alone was, ‘I FEEL EXTREMELY OLD’… but it was fun. it was nice to catch up with friends in the likes of Mic who i don’t see very often. i realised how much i’ve missed him and hanging out with him. before 1am we made our exit and left the partying to the young’uns and the banans whose stamina astounds and impresses me.

on saturday i agreed to be jes’ date for her double date with one of her friends who wanted her to meet her boyfriend, as chris had other engagements. so i made her come with me to city hills… which proved to be as hard as i thought it would be. seeing as the last time i fronted there was the night i went with my mom, the night before she passed away.  it was difficult to walk through the doors knowing that the last time i went through those doors, i was with my mom. she got a picture of what i did every sunday at city hills, and my heart fell as i felt the loss all over again. i got to see my kids church pastor which was nice, and she was as supportive as ever. also got to see my friends marie and emily which meant a lot. we haven’t seen each other since the colour conference, and i’ve missed them. at the end i ended up crying… like what else is new. i just couldn’t help it. it was just sad!

sunday night i went to ann’s house to say g’bye to paolo. it seemed weird to watch him wander around the house as he gathered his belongings and mentally prepared himself for the journey ahead. the thoughts running through his mind would be similar to those mine only 3 years ago. i was excited for him, maybe even a little envious of the adventure ahead. for me, london feels like a lifetime ago. after everything, it feels like so much time has passed, at the same time, no time at all. i remember those last days in sydney before my departure, last minute meets with friends. all night conversations with your nearest and dearest, and the constant presence of your best friends in your household, savouring each moment. how time flies! he’s going to have a blast!

this weekend is at’s birthday… and it would be easy to sweep it under the carpet as just another birthday, but no amounts of alcohol (though we will try) will erase the void that we are sure to feel. the missing phone call at midnight from my mom. i remember those, when we were younger and she was at work (as she always took our birthday as a day/night off), and most especially when i was away. she was always my first phone call, though she often joked that she wanted to wait till the traffic subsided as she knew my sister and friends would be aiming to wish me happy birthday right on the dot too. as my own birthday approaches, i cannot help but dread it. moments that i once took for granted makes my heart ache that they are moments i will never have again. on the nights that my mom wasn’t working on the even before my birthday, regardless if she was already asleep or not, she would wake up at midnight and come into my room, kiss me happy birthday and lie down on my bed with me till we both fell asleep again. in the morning she would be gone, making preparations for the festivities of the day. that’s what she did last year. i didn’t think for a moment that last year would be the last time she would do that. i hate that it was.

during the time i was sick, i missed her more than ever. of course! but last week when i went to visit mer at home because she was sick, i found that i couldn’t stay there for very long. her mom was there, and she was taking care of her, and it just made me sad. i realise what a baby i’m going to sound like when i say that there is nothing like your mother taking care of you when you’re sick. lying on her lap when you’re delirious from a high fever. i remember the first time i got sick whilst i was away, i was sitting in the laundrymat 15 min walk away from home doing a whole week’s worth of laundry feeling like crap and she called me and i just burst into tears because i felt so bad, and she just talked me through it. that was enough… to hear her voice was enough. what you take for granted huh! arghhhh!!!!

moving along… seeing as i’m at work and my tears are welling up and i’m borderline on blubbering.

peace out! love lots!

well it’s the 2nd last day of melbourne and i’m off home tomorrow morning. on the most part, it has been a good trip. there are some friends whom you just couldn’t love more, equipped with their very own quirks and habits, and after almost over 3 years of not traveling together (with the boys) it’s funny and i guess somewhat comforting to see how some things don’t change. i love how there seems to be no boundaries in the folds of this chaos we call our friendship.

i arrived at the airport to be greeted by my ate ma, kuya lon and nephew joseph, who was quite shy of me. it took almost the whole day for him to actually sit next to me, but i was reassured that i wasn’t the only one, and it was standard routine. low and behold a few hours later we had reached a somewhat ammicable status. it was nice to be with ate alma again. in a lot of ways it brought me back to our youngen years. as we up angel i was quite touched that she threw her arms around my waist after it hit her who was standing by her mother. without reservation and genuine affection. she may look like papa lon but she has taken much of her grace and spirit from her mother, pagkalambing and all. after a couple of hours at ate ma’s we headed for ate gigi’s to be greeted by my pamangkins who were all taller than me….almost. we had a really nice dinner together as a family. i got the opportunity to have a heart to heart with ate gigi and ate ma. whilst everyone just carried on with dinner and their own chaos. it was great to watch the pamangkins together and interact. how the older ones looked after the little ones and how close knit they were. it was like a little window to our childhood. i loved that angel and joseph refered to ate gigi as mommy (ate ma being mama) and it spoke thousands of how much they were all a part of each others lives.

after dinner and the drama that was exchanged ate ma and i said our hesitant goodbyes as ate gigi and family we’re taking me to the somerset where my friends and i were meeting. after quick introductions and a heaist like meeting out front, they snuck me into our hotel apartment, as i was the 6th of the maximum 5 per room rule.

unfortunately for me i got very sick saturday morning and could not get up, so the rest of my crew headed for brunch while i literally slept fitfully feverish. by the time they arrived, i could manage to slowly move so i joined them for the little light sightseeing and shopping before getting ready for miss saigon. the performance was amazing, though our seats was a little disappointing. the structure of the theatre proved to be non condusive to successful viewing, but hey it was miss saigon. we took a little trip to the crown casino where after one drink (a mocktail at that) i needed to go back to the hotel. due to the hunger pains we were experiencing, at 1am when we arrived back at the hotel jes and i left chris and thomas at the room while we forraged for food, ending up at a chinese restaurant nearby. which was filling, but hardly satisfying!

today was the big day… the day we were going to venture the famous great ocean road. not long after an hour of winding roads ann got sick, followed by me…which initiated a whole lot of stops, which meant getting to the 12 apostles to took a little longer…after a downpour of rain, it was still worth it. even if it meant being drenched all the way home. being drenched all the way home meant that i started a coughing fit, resuming my fluish symptoms.

today was always going to suck, today being the 6 month anniversary of the accident…though it hit me throughout the day it hit me completely on the way home, sick and feverish…again. i can’t describe into words the emotions that surged through at that point, it was like i relived that day again in that moment, and it was overwhelming.

tomorrow i’m headed home, and we’re all meeting at the cemetary to gather for the 6 month anniversary. i can’t believe it’s been six months. how time escapes us so quickly.

yay! it’t the weekend again! says the person who’s currently working part time. tee hee! anyways, i digress.

tomorrow the crew and i are off to melbourne… all at different times, means and flights! funny bunch of people we are, but that’s how it has worked out.

jes and chris embarked on their road trip to victoria early this morning and the last communication we had this afternoon they were well on their way.

the tankman, preggy and ann have a 7ish flight tomorrow morning to Avalon, and i fly out at 9am heading for tullamarine? where i will be meeting my ate alma and kuya lon. i’ll get to spend the day with them and the kiddies before meeting up with ate gigi and the rest of the family for dinner, and then they’re taking me to the hotel apartments where we’re staying.

saturday is an open day, jes and i are hoping to see as much as we can, and in the evening we have the premiere for miss saigon, which is the main reason for our trip to melbourne, which has been in the planning for quite sometime now. not quite sure what kind of havoc the boys are going to make whilst they are let loose at the crown casino while we watch miss saigon, but hey that’s going to be a talk point between them and their spouses.

sunday, which i am really excited about… we’ve rented a van so we can drive to see the 12 apostles, which apparantly isn’t really 12 anymore.

monday i fly back early in the morning to be back for the 6 month anniversary gathering. we’re all meeting at the cemetary and then off to lunch together.

it’s weird to think that it has been 6 months, it’s hard to fathom that we have endured 6 months already. how time flies! there are still so many things that needs to be straightened out in terms of legalities, and i guess once that’s done, the official things can be laid to rest.

it’s funny because so much has changed, and at the same time, very little has. it’s almost like if you close your eyes really tightly you can almost convince yourself it didn’t happen. but at some point you do have to open your eyes and realise that you see things differently than before.

last week was pretty rough, for no particular reason. i just missed my mom. it seemed like every opportunity presented triggered such a response, and it’s always hard to come to grips with she is never going to be around again.

so many times, especially in the last couple of weeks i have just had so much to tell her, and though i knew she could hear me, it just wasn’t the same. i knew she would have loved that my ate went to the phils, saw her prized condo, and got to spend time with our relatives back him. i wonder what she thought when things we’ren’t exactly going our way regarding the paperwork we were trying to sort out and the politics interwoven in what was already a complicated situation. was she as dumbfounded as we were at the realisation that a certain relationship seems not only unsalvageable but even more catastrophic than what we had ever imagined. i am stunned at the mindset and the lack of … i don’t even have a word. is she watching? does she see the mine field that keeps exploding around us. does she realise that when she died, we became an orphan? she was the one who cared for us, took care of us, loved us so certainly to a fault… does she know when she died she took away the parent who believed in us, in all we could be, and the parent who loved us above herself. the parent who put us first. with everything that’s happened and recently unfolded, does she know we lost more than her? what would she say to our current predicament? knowing my mother she’s push for reconciliation ‘you’re the children, you adjust…etc etc’ how do you reconcile after numerous blows, not only to your character but the very memory of the mother so insistent on the peace between all parties. would she still insist knowing all that has happened these last few months, the thing is… she would. because that’s who she was, especially when it came to that one person. one can only pray for the grace to do what i know she would want regardless how wrong it may seem and the reception we get despite the effort.

i’m looking forward to melbourne, though we went away for a couple of weeks, it was in no way a holiday. i feel bad for not being at home on sunday, which marks six months to the day of the accident… at the same time a little relieved. even though i know that wherever i am i will be reliving the day over and over again in my head, the change of scenery may help. hopefully my brother won’t be alone all day… though we’re usually at separate ends of the house when we are home together, at least we’re there together. i would hate for him to be alone, mainly because at some point it will kick in.

anyways, this was supposed to be low key blog and here i am with a long diatribe all over again. off to bed. early morning tomorrow.

super cool party people bid you super cool adieu! *thank you gilmore girls for that little piece of pop reference*