Month: March 2007

…as these words were uttered by Bobbie on Thursday night at the Colour Conference, a sob involuntarily escaped, for these simple words that encapsulated Catherine Booth’s last breath, defined those last moments in the hospital with my Mom. Without glancing at my oldest friend to my left, I knew that she was crying for the same reason. My Mom was a warrior who fought the battles that needed to be fought (and some that didn’t) and she has been through a hard life, but in those last moments, she did lay down her sword to receive the crown that was awaiting her.

On Friday we finally buried my Mom. After almost three months of having her ashes at home and finalising the family plot, she is finally physically at her resting place. Which is comforting as well as a little sad. The whole week had been like a mental and emotional preparation to what Friday was going to be. How hard it could possibly be. Numerous conversations between my sister and I was had about how we felt about Friday and how it was going to suck, and low and behold, it did suck.

 The night before was spent sleepless as predicted, by all of us I’m sure. It was like we were all torn about the fact that finality will finally be reached and some form of closure, regardless how we didn’t want it, was needed. As previously decided we (the immediate family) were going to meet at Blair Athol and have a procession to Forest Lawn. So there we were, four cars solemnly driving towards where we were going to bury my Mom. Me at front in her car, with her ashes in the front seat beside me whilst her favourite song was playing repeatedly in the car the whole way there, and my Aunt sitting semi silent at the back seat. To say tears fell would be rather stating the obvious. I lost it would probably be a more accurate term. It was the last time my Mom would be in her car, in whatever form. It upset me even more that the last time we were in that car together was the last time we were ever in a car together. Again I was reminded of all the things I was going to miss about her. Again the tears came.

The service was rather low key, and with the exception of the priest who didn’t know her and a couple of others ‘necessary by formality’, it was rather intimate. Exactly how we had wanted it to be. It seemed fitting to only have the people who were there in those last hours with her there. The same people who in that one night formed a bond that was not exactly asked for, but bonded regardless, for which I am grateful. For it is the very same people who have been with us every step of the way. Living out our very own personal nightmare, and getting each other through it, the very best way we can. By sticking together. Through her death my Mom had reminded us the biggest lesson she has ever taught us, that family comes first. It is family, whom not only by blood but spirit that love you unconditionally and are there to meet you at your lowest point, and just sit with you. It’s the very same family who throw that arm around you and comfot you without asking how you are, because something in your spirit tells them you’re not. It’s this family that my Mom would be proud of, the family she always saw in us to be.

Yesterday we had a family lunch at Blair Athol for the 3rd month anniversary…the night before as I cleaned out my room I found a card that my Mom had sent me whilst I was in London, and reading it surely brought me to tears. My Mom hardly writes essays in her cards, and in this particular one, she did. It was my first birthday away from home.

To dearest Cooks,

Although it breaks my heart to let you go, I know I can’t do anything about it.

I’m proud of you and support you in this endeavour. Nobody will say what you did is easy so the more I salute you on this. Be brave, you’ll get through this with flying colours. It’s lonely but think of the things you did before you left, the happy memories, I’m sure it will somehow make up for the sadness you’re feeling now.

Think of the beautiful places you’ll see, the new friends you’ll meet. The sad and the happy experiences in the process, knowing your character you’ll definitely pass this test.

Explore and enjoy. I’m happy in a way that you built courage to do and pursue this venture, what you will see, what you will learn, what you will become after that will certainly build more points to the good person you already are, just stick to your upbringing, culture and principles. Always remember keep your chin up and feel better about yourself all the time. What anybody can you, you can do a lot better.

Look after yourself, eat properly, do a lot of exercise, a healthy body gives you a healthy mind.

Kuya will always be your Kuya. Ate will always be Ate and you will always be you. I believe everyone was born with their own character, parents are there only to guide and support. I love you 3 with the same strength, no more, no less, believe it or not.

Love You, Mom

Needless to say I lost it….again! It was words she wrote over three years ago but they could be applicable today. Through the grief and sorrow it’s easy to forget certain facts, to doubt certain things. My Mom loved me…all of us, and reading those words the other day was upsetting, as it is today, but it’s also like hearing her speak into my heart that is still grieving her absence. That it will be okay. So thanks Mom…for still being around.

You know in that scene in BIG (Tom Hanks wishing he was small and it comes true, thanks to Zoltar), where 13yr old Josh Baskins is in the 30yr old Josh Baskins body, and they were in the big board meeting, and the Dude who wasn’t very nice was explaining how a certain toy works, and Josh couldn’t quite grasp the concept and kept saying ‘I don’t get it?’ … well welcome to my world of PostGrad … as I spend hours pawing through the endless notes, textbook and journals, I still don’t get it. Zero comprende! Brain feels mushy and nothing is going in! Attention span, non existent! But enough about my higher education.

We celebrated Jes’ birthday by the Wharf at some swish restaurant. Good food and definitely good company. Definitely getting old! To which we all sheepishly realised at 10:30 when we all parted ways to make our way to our respective homes. Chris, I loved the insight to Beauty Care for Guys. Ramir, do tell if it works for you!

Saturday was one of my old friend’s baby shower Kaye, who goes years ad years back. We put a whole new meaning to the word letters. I have not only the box of letters to prove it, but the books too! (at some stage we moved on from stationary to notebooks) FUN! They’re hillarious to read!

That night we also celebrated Ate Lei’s 40th birthday at Enzo’s. It was a nice evening with the family. Though in all honesty, I think we all felt a tinge of sadness. It was like there was a distinct significant element missing from the fold, and we all felt it. It’s the first birthday we have had to celebrated without my Mom (in this country), and seeing as my Mom more often than not made a point to spoil us on our birthdays, she was missed. My Mom was well known for her quiet exterior at family gatherings, sitting in the background, observing, trying to keep awake (as she would be just off work or ready to work), making comments, etc. It’s funny what you miss. My Mom wasn’t one who showed her affection physically, if she did, it was rarely, but we knew she loved us, to a fault almost. My Mom showered her love by showering us with gifts, her cooking, her undeniable presence, etc.

Admittedly, I am not looking forward to my birthday this year. For as long as I can remember, if my Mom was home on the night before my birthday (she works nights), she would always come into my bed and wish me a Happy Birthday, as she did last year, on my first birthday back from being away for two years. She lay on my bed and slept there next to me for a couple of hours before heading back to her own bed, or the couch which she used more often than her own bed. If she wasn’t home, she’d call right on midnight, a tradition that never ceased even in my absence.

On Friday we bury her, once and for all she will finally be laid to rest. I’m glad, at the same time a little sad. It means letting go, and we’ve already lost so much…but I also know that it’s necessary. She can’t be at home forever. Friday will be like her funeral all over again, and G0d give us all the strength to survive yet another hard day.  

…so first week of uni, one would think it would be easy breezy right? first week and all… ummmm…. NO!!!! (she whines)

admittedly i was well excited for uni to start. aside from not having to be at work on the worst day of the week, i get to do that whole ‘uni student’ thing again. the moment my lecturer started going through the material, and what it involves, and the workload, the time investments…i believe i uttered the words ‘this whole higher education thing? my idea?’ … apparently it was.

don’t get me wrong, i am loving it. it was just a little bit of a rude awakening. i have two subjects and the average work load for each subject is 12 hours, per week. arrrgggghhhhhh!!! i have case studies, journals, etc to read, as well as online lectures to watch and online quizzes to do by the end of each week. head spin! but all good.

started going to my new connect group which is located at currans hill, only ten minutes away from home. all girls, and it was great to be in that environment again, where everyone is on the same path, and we’re all spurring each other on. it made me miss h’smith connect a lil less and think back on it with fondness instead of longingly.

griefshare has been going well. it’s been nice to hang out with j, and just fool around. reminisce about, etc. this week we’re supposed to bring a photo of our loved one, which i guess makes it more real for each of us…not like it isn’t, but i guess it’s all part of the healing process *sigh*

politics still bother me. i know it shouldn’t. but it does. i guess its that whole falling from grace and pedastal thing. if i did to them, they certainly did for me too. more so than i can express and that’s sad. i will never be able to articulate how much ‘events’ have hurt me. despite intentions to the contrary. so much for that.

today is winnie’s birthday and we’re all meeting in the city for dinner, which will be nice. happy 29th birthday winnie, you’ve crossed over. you’re now ann and mer’s age! 

tomorrow is ate lei’s birthday and we’re all going to dinner to celebrate her 40th. ate your list, it HILLARIOUS!

friday we’re going to finally bury my mom, which i guess closes the latest chapter. though it would be good to finally get everything settled, a part of me doesn’t want to part with her. but she deserves to be at her resting place,  and it’s like she’s never really left. she’s around, and she’s in all of us. i just miss her. the house seems empty, and i now know what she meant when she used to say that after i left for london. i have taken for granted the times we were able to talk, and her mere presence in the house *sigh*

 …another day…