Last night, I made a decision, and that was to inform a friend of possibility that I would be letting her down. That I would probably have to break my promise, and miss a very important day for her. It was a hard decision, but it was one that had to be made.
In our lives we are faces with choices and decisions, at different times to another, it seems we are faced with one difficult decision after another. Deciding to go to London was one of the easiest decision I have ever made. Going through with it, was a totally different thing. I didn’t realise that going was the easiest, and the decisions that would follow that decision would be relatively harder and as time went on, the decisions became harder.
More than a few of you know of the struggles I have faced after arriving. After some naive perception of what it was going to be like, I was more than rudely awakended that it was no where as glamorous as what I had imagined in my head. The dream of coming to London, earning the money to travel, meetings new people, broadening my horizonz, gaining independence, etc…a dream that as a friend of mine once quoted, ‘that has consumed me for over two years’….if not more.
I wasn’t prepared for the homesickness that filled me, and the longing for familiarity. My adventure was at my feet and it scared me. Sometimes dreams are best stored in our mind, for in there, we face no failure. Having my dream at my feet, only magnified the potential of failure, and it was crippling. From the beginning, I had a huge expectation of myself, and when I didn’t accomplish it, it really got to me. My sister, My Mom, Ann, Jes, Grace, Ate Lei and Val can vouch for that. I talked their ear off, cried my eyes out, texted frantically (Ate Lei) frustrated not only myself, but also them. Through it all, they continued to encourage me to stick it out, that it will slowly come together, within it’s on time and not my own.
When I left for Italy, I had it in my head that had I failed to get a job after returning to London, the second time around, I will pack my bags, travel with what I had and head home come November. It almost happened. The last week of September was my cut off. By the grace of God, I picked up a part time job. One I loved even. Grant it, it was more the people than anything else, but I loved it all the same. Days later I end up with a full time contract at Harper Collins…the best place I could even ask for. (Here’s praying that a permanent position comes along) …. now I have my own place. Which after some major cleaning in the bathroom and kitchen, will make it more homey. I have established some great friendships. I am actively going to church, and even particpating in Youth Groups and Choir. The ball is rolling. I am living out the life that I had always envisioned in my mind.
Is it enough??? Well that’s sort of a selfish question that undoubtedly has a selfish answer. It should be enough, however, as a human being it’s all about wanting more. I miss home. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss Sydney. If anything it has taught me to appreciate all that I have and all that I love a lot more.
This experience is teaching me to make my own decisions and deal with the consequences or what not that results from them. It’s teaching me to be the grown up I had always hoped I’d be. Even if I am constantly asking my Mom and sister to call me, to help me solve one problem or another. I am in no way near being mature, or even responsible, but I know I am getting there. Most of my fears are subsiding, and even though my heart longes to be home, it’s not yet time. There is still so much I want to experience. So much of the world I still want to see.
Leaving Sydney, I had no idea exactly what I wanted to do. Yes travel, yes work. How it was all going to come about….I had no idea. Sometimes I still have no idea, but slowly, I am getting there.
My main regret is letting down my friend. I’m sure that I have not only upset her, but angered her in my inability to return home for such a special occassion. I hope that one day she understands that it’s not because she wasn’t important enough, nor was it because I didn’t want to, it is simply something that is not feasable at this point in time. I wish it was as simple as going to Italy or France for the weekend, instead of a flight around the world. If it were that simple, there is no way I would miss it.
This decision has made me think a lot in the last few days. Especially in the last night or so. I came to London with no set direction, no path. Those who have gone away for a weekend with me would know what a control freak I am, and how I want everything planned…this trip is sooo no where near as organised as one of those weekend aways.
Little by little I feel like I am growing, and I know I am in the right path. It’s scary but it’s destined so I’m going with it. I’m not sure when I will be home. It could be in a couple of months, a few….who knows. All I know is that I am not leaving London till I know I have given it my all. Like I said those months before, London may have won the first round, but I am slowly gaining.
So for those who have been there for me every step of the way. In my inefficiency and what not, I thank you. To my friend whom I’m letting down, I am sorry. Words cannot express how hard this decision is for me. Or how much it hurts having to make it. I hope one day you’ll believe that.
On the SADDDDDD note… CIAO!